Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
The (butt)crack of Beirut welcomes you
A sign in Beirut reads: “The hole of Beirut Municipality Welcomes you.”
Here’s one way to vent your frustration over the canyon-sized craters dotting the roads of Beirut.
Someone put up a sign just in front of the Audi showroom in Qarantina that reads, “The crack of Beirut Municipality Welcomes you.”
I interpret the signage to mean “butt crack” of Beirut because, like the unsightly wedge of skin that pops out of plumber’s pants: no one wants to see that.
Wonder how long it will take before the sign gets removed.
The Ministry of Public Works and Transportation and the Interior Ministry are both responsible for road upkeep in Lebanon.
Alas, the cabinet formation continues to stall and the country is without a government -- not that road maintenance would be anywhere near the top of the priority list, but you know…
Meanwhile, if you spot a pothole in Lebanon, you can report it on the http://www.jouwar.com/
Friday, April 08, 2011
Sunday, April 03, 2011
القرف و قوة الملاحظة والتركيز
قال في دكتور بكلية الطب, عم يعطي أول درس تشريح لطلاب السنة الأولى بعنوان "أساسيات التشريح والجراحة" قام قلهن "شوفوا يا حضرات.. أهم شي بالتشريح.. شغلتين
الشغلة الأولى: ما يكون عندكن أي نوع من الخوف أو القرف ودغري حط إصبعو بطيز الجثة اللي قدّامو ع السرير.. ولحس إصبعو وطلب من كل الطلاب.. يعملوا متل ما عمل هو وبعد تردد وتمقرف وكذا.. عملوا كل الطلاب متل ما قلهن
إجى قلهن: "هلق منجي للشغلة التانية المهمة.. وهي: قوة الملاحظة لازم يكون عندكن قوة ملاحظة وتركيز أنا حطيت إصبعي الوسطاني بطيز الجثة.. بس لحست الإصبع اللي جنبو!!
Friday, April 01, 2011
فتاوى تستحق القراءة ليست تأليف بل من مواقع الفتاوى
س: فضيلة الشيخ، أنا شاب ملتزم، وجاءتني فرصة للسفرعلى متن طائرة تحلق فوق بلاد الكفار، وتحتها بيوت يشرب أهلها الخمر ويمارسون الفحشاء، فهل أنا في هذه الحلة مذنب؟
ج: الشيخ الزنداني: عليك يابني أن تتحدث مع الكابتن طيار وتطلب منه أن يتجنب الطيران فوق بلاد الكفار، وإذا كان مُضطرا فعليه أن يحاول الطيران فوق تجمعات المسلمين وهذه طريقة سهلة، فمآذن المساجد مرتفعة، ويمكن أن تكون دليلا للطيران الشرعي الحلال
س: أنا أعمل سكرتيرة واحيانا اكون مع مديري في غرفة واحدة مغلقة لوحدنا فما حكمها؟ وهل أكون مخطأة ؟وما الحل لتكون خلوتنا حلال
ج: الشيخ العبيكان: عليك أن تقومي بإرضاع مديرك من ثدييك ثلاث مرات بحضور زوجك عندها تكونين كوالدته وبحكم الام ويحق لكما شرعا الاختلاء دون أثم في مكان مغلق معا"
س: أنا مسلم تقي، وأحب السباحة لكنني أخشى أن أسبح في مكان تكون قد سبحت فيه من قبل فتيات يرتدين المايوهات، فهل المياه التي أسبح فيها تكون نجسة لأنها اختلطت بعورات الفتيات؟
ج: الشيخ محسن العواجي عليك يا ولدي أن تكون متفهما للظروف، فإذا كانت المياه جارية فالسباحة فيها حلال، أما المياه الراكده التي تظن أن أجسادا عارية وبضّة وناعمة سبحت فيها من قبل، فالاقتراب منها حرام
س: صديق لي يبلغ الثلاثين من عمره وقد أراد الزواج من فتاة قيل له بأنها في العشرين، فلما تزوجها اكتشف أنها في السابعة من عمرها، فهل يطلقها، أم يحتفظ بها حتى تحيض؟
ج: الشيخ القرضاوي: إذا كان قد رآها رؤي العين وظن أنها في العشرين ثم اكتشف أنها في السابعة من عمرها فالاثم يقع على ولي أمرها لأنه لم يجعلها ترتدي ملابس الأطفال، وإذا كانت منقبة، ودخل عليها فعليه أن يسأل أهل العلم
س: أنا أعمل في رقابة المطبوعات، وأحيانا أقرأ رواية فيها حديث عن امرأة سافرت دون محرم، فهل أنا آثم وينبغي عليَّ ترك العمل؟
ج: الشيخ سلمان العودة: عليك أن تتصل بكاتب الرواية، وتطلب منه تغيير الجملة إلى امرأة سافرت ومعها محرم، أو يضيف كلمة آثمة وتلعنها الملائكة، وإذا لم يستجب الكاتب فعليك أن تستقيل لأن أجرك حرام من هذا العمل المخالف للشرع
س: لي زميل في الجامعة غير مسلم، وقد استعرت منه كراسة المحاضرات وسقطت فوق سجادة الصلاة، فماذا أفعل لكي لا يغضب الله علىًّ ويدخلني نار جهنم؟
ج: الشيخ الغامدي: لا إثم عليك إن شاء الله إذا سقطت كراسة محاضرات زميلك الكافر فوق الطرف الأيسر للسجادة، أما إذا سقطت في وسطها أو أيمنها فينبغي أن تغسلها سبع مرات، وإذا كانت صينية الصُنع فغسلها عشر مرات واجب، أما السجاد المصنوع بأيدي فتيات لا يرتدين القفاز فينبغي احراقه
س: أنا فتاة ملتزمة وقد رأيت في منامي أن شابا وسيما احتضنني بقوة وابتسمت له، فكيف أقوم بالكفّارة عن ذنبي؟
ج: الشيخ ابن عثيمين: الذي احتضنك في المنام هو الشيطان نفسه، أما ابتسامتك فتعني رضاك عما حدث، لذا يجب التوقف تماما عن النوم لئلا يظهر الشيطان مرة أخرى، وتتطور الأحضان والقبلات إلى ما لا تحمد عقباه، وقد سمعت أحد مشايخنا الأفاضل يقول بأن الزنا في المنام قد يؤدي إلى حمل المرأة سفاحاً خاصة إذا كان نومها عميقاً
س: الموسيقى هي مزامير الشيطان، وأنا كنت أطل من نافذة بيتنا فرأيت عرسا أمام المنزل تنبعث منه الأغاني والموسيقى والمعزوفات، فهل يجب أن أتوضأ مرة أخرى؟
ج: الشيخ آل الشيخ: إذا كانت مزامير الشيطان كماناً وعوداً وجيتاراً فمن الأفضل إعادة الوضوء، أما لو كانت الطبلة تشبه الدف، والعرس على مسافة خمسين مترا فلا حرج في الصلاة بنفس الوضوء السابق
س: هل هناك جان يجيدون التعامل على الكمبيوتر، ولهم مواقع على الانترنيت، ويدخلون المنتديات باسماء خفية؟
ج: الشيخ الأحمد: الجان يعرفون كل ما يعرفه الإنس، وهناك عفاريت أكثر مهارة من بني البشر في التعامل مع الإنترنيت، وقد سمعت أن عفريتا قام ببرمجة الخطة الخمسية للحكومة، وبعض العفاريت يفضلون أجهزة الماكنتوش، لذا فعليك التأكد من بريدك الالكتروني لمعرفة إن كان المرسل جنا أم إنساً
س: هل يستطيع زعيم طاغية أن يعتقل الشياطين ويضعهم في سجونه ومعتقلاته؟ وهل يكون سجانوهم من نار أم من طين؟
ج: الشيخ عايض القرني: بنو البشر فقط هم المسحوقون تحت أحذية الطاغية، أما الشياطين فتعيش في القصر وتأكل مع القائد المهيب
س: شقيقي الأصغر التحق بكلية العلوم، وبدأ يتعلم أشياء غريبة عن الانفجار العظيم والمجرات وملايين النجوم، وفجأة قال لنا بأن الأرض التي نعيش عليها صغيرة جدا وأنها ذرة متناهية تحلق في الكون وتدور حول نفسها وحول الشمس، فماذا نفعل معه؟
ج: ابن باز: يجب اخراج شقيقك فورا من الكلية والحاقه بكلية الشريعة قبل أن يتورط في مزيد من الخرافات، فالأرض هي مركز الكون، وهي أكبر من كل الكواكب والنجوم، وتقف على قرني ثور، وتهتز عندما تعطس الشياطين، أما الشمس فتنزل في المساء إلى قاع البحر فتبتل، وعندما تشرق من الناحية الأخرى تبدأ ضعيفة حتى يجف البلل عنها
س: أعرف شخصا يعيش في النرويج ويتحدث عن بلاد شمس منتصف الليل، ويقول بأنها لا تختفي في الصيف، ولا تظهر في الشتاء، فما حكم الشرع في هذا المجنون؟
ج: الشيخ البراك: على المسلم أن يكون حذرا من هؤلاء الجهلة، فكيف تصدق أن الشمس تظهر في منتصف الليل، ثم أين تختفي في فصل الشتاء إلا إذا انتقلت إلى كواكب أخرى تنير لأهلها، ثم تعود بعد انتهاء مهمتها
س: أعرف شيخا يقول بأن المرأة التي تجلس قبالة التلفاز آثمة لأن المذيع يستطيع أن يراها وهي بملابس البيت، فهل هناك طريقة لتجنب الحرام في هذه الخلوة غير الشرعية؟
ج: الشيخ فالح الحربي: عليها أن تتدثر جيدا، وأن تجلس بزاوية 45 درجة حتى لا يلمحها المذيع أو أي ذكر عبر التلفاز، ومن الأفضل شراء جهاز تلفاز بغير صورة تجنبا للوقوع في شرك الكفر البواح
س: أنا امرأة صالحة، أقرأ كثيرا لكل الشيوخ، ولا تبتعد عيناي عن شيوخ الفضائيات، لكن لم يجب أحد عن سؤالي الذي أرقني كثيرا: هل يستطيع عفريت ذكر أن يجامعني في حضور زوجي دون أن يلفت انتباهه؟ ثم إنني واقعة في مشكلة محرجة وهي أن ابني الصغير يشبه العفاريت، ويجري مثلهم، ويختفي من غرفة إلى أخرى، ويصرخ كأنه منهم، فهل تظن، سيدنا الشيخ، أن عفريتا انزلق في فراشي، وحملت منه هذا الولد الشقي، خاصة أن جارة عجوزا تقول لي دائما: ابنك عفريت؟
ج: الشيخ المنجد: إذا كان زوجك يغط في النوم ويصدر شخيرا ولا يشعر بأي حركة حوله فأغلب الظن أن ابنك من الجن وهو يحتاج إلى معاملة خاصة، ويجب أن لا تغضبيه حتى لا يستعين بأقرانه، ويسببون لك المتاعب. أما إذا كان والده صالحا وطيبا فلا شك بأن ابنك العفريت من صلبه
س: ما هو رأي الشرع في شرب الشاي في فناجين عليها رسومات؟
ج: الشيخ صالح النبهاني: إذا كانت ذات روح ولو كانت رسوما كاريكاتيرية، فالشاي هنا بكل أنواعه حرام باستثناء الشاي الأخضر لأنه يقاوم الروح الشريرة في الرسوم، ويجب عدم وضع الفناجين في غسالة الأطباق حتى لا تؤذي الأرواح فتنتشر في الدار وتزعج أهلها
س: أنا فتاة مسلمة ومحجبة والحمد لله وانا ماشية في الشارع شفت فيليبيني معو وردة حمراء للفالانتاين فهل أعتبر آثمة وما هي كفارة ذلك
ج: الشيخ العريفي: طبعا يا بنتي هذا تشبه بالكفار ولا يجوز النظر لمشرك والعياذ بالله فتلك آفة الآفات وما عليك سوى طلب الاستغفار وحمل عود مسواك نكاية بذاك المشرك الكافر الذي كان يحمل وردة حمراء والعياذ بالله، وكان عليك أن تبلغي رجال الهيئة فوراً عنه، هذا والله أعلم
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Like Father Like Son!
On February 27 1995, the Lebanese people woke up to find banners all around them accusing Dr. Samir Geagea of the “Saydet Al-Najat” church blast. I can’t forget that moment when I saw the banner right in front of our building next to the Syrian Intelligence post, and turned to my Dad and asked him, “What happened? What did Dr. Geagea do now?!!” At the same time, my Mom called us to watch the TV, and there was LBC covering the blast aftermath, which had just happened 15 min ago.
Right away Mr. Assad was on the radio pointing his finger also to the Lebanese Forces headed by Dr. Samir Geagea.
Dear Mr. Asad if you have the time machine, please give it back, I need it and you know why!!
By the way Bash, very well played bro. You have one great stage manager & director, and the cues! the cues man were excellent, the applause man “chapeau bas” ya3tee 1000 3afieh, and the supporting actors, WOW, great timing and good pronunciation and projection too.
Right away Mr. Assad was on the radio pointing his finger also to the Lebanese Forces headed by Dr. Samir Geagea.
Dear Mr. Asad if you have the time machine, please give it back, I need it and you know why!!
By the way Bash, very well played bro. You have one great stage manager & director, and the cues! the cues man were excellent, the applause man “chapeau bas” ya3tee 1000 3afieh, and the supporting actors, WOW, great timing and good pronunciation and projection too.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Things I Hate About Everyone!
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5. When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
10. People who go to a restaurant and start adding and subtracting ingredients, believing that it makes the dish tastes better. If you’re such a good cook, why don’t you eat at home asshole!!
n.b. It is proven that people who do such things end up eating at least a spit ora booger per dish. Never tell a cook how to cook, never be a funny with a waiter; both have access to your dish before you get to eat it.
* If you have something that you hate or that annoys you in people, please add it in your comment below and we will add it here.
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5. When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
10. People who go to a restaurant and start adding and subtracting ingredients, believing that it makes the dish tastes better. If you’re such a good cook, why don’t you eat at home asshole!!
n.b. It is proven that people who do such things end up eating at least a spit ora booger per dish. Never tell a cook how to cook, never be a funny with a waiter; both have access to your dish before you get to eat it.
* If you have something that you hate or that annoys you in people, please add it in your comment below and we will add it here.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Alla ma3ak ya sheik Saad!
Iza allah 3ata 3omor next 10, 14 or 17 of March baddo yishla7 il bantalon wiy...... yalli 3am bi 3azzib. W2iza bitdallo t3azbo, Naila Mouawwad 3arda khadameta!!
Al-Shaaeb youreed iskat il-bantalon!!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
The age of miracles!! عصر المعجزات
(للجهلة والعونيين الرجاء اللجوء للنص العربي او الإستعانة بصديق)
During my lifetime I have witnessed three miracles.خلال حياتي شاهدت ثلاثة معجزات
- A woman getting pregnant without sex.امرأة حامل من دون ممارسة الجنس
- An illiterate man writing a holy book.رجل أمي أقدم على كتابة كتاب مقدس
- A stubborn, old fashioned thief whose main concern is Reform and change.
رجل لص، عنيد، قديم الطراز شاغله الرئيسي هو الإصلاح والتغيير
During my lifetime I have witnessed three miracles.خلال حياتي شاهدت ثلاثة معجزات
- A woman getting pregnant without sex.امرأة حامل من دون ممارسة الجنس
- An illiterate man writing a holy book.رجل أمي أقدم على كتابة كتاب مقدس
- A stubborn, old fashioned thief whose main concern is Reform and change.
رجل لص، عنيد، قديم الطراز شاغله الرئيسي هو الإصلاح والتغيير
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
Religion is just a Constitution.
Religion is just a Constitution; tell me how many Muslims & how many Christians are in the image above and I will follow your religion no questions asked. Guess how many Girls and how many boys and I might even start believing in “God”.
Saturday, March 05, 2011
Lebanese Terminology
Delusional متوهم de•lu•sion [dih-loo-zhuh n]
a fixed false belief that is resistant to reason or confrontation with actual fact: a paranoid delusion.
Example: Michel Aoun. Thinks all Christians are with him and more than half the Lebanese. Moammar Qaddafi anyone?
Hypocrite منافق hyp•o•crite [hip-uh-krit]a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, especially one whose private life, opinions, or statements contradict his or her public statements.
Example: Nabih Berri. He disapproves of Moammar Qaddafi and calls for the transfer of power, yet has been Head of Amal party for 32 consecutive years and Speaker of the Parliament for 20 consecutive years and more to come.
Enemy عدو en•e•my [en-uh-mee]enemies, persons, nations, etc., that are hostile to one another: Let's make up and stop being enemies.
Example: Israel confiscated 25% of Lebanon for 22 years, stole Lebanon’s water, killed Lebanese citizens, kidnapped Lebanese citizens but released all now.
Friend صديق fr•ie•nd [frend]a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
Example: Syria, confiscated 50% of Lebanon for 30 years, killed Lebanese citizens, stole from Lebanon billions of USD, kidnapped Lebanese most of whom are still in Syrian jails.
Double standards معايير مزدوجة –nounany code or set of principles containing different provisions for one group of people than for another, especially an unwritten code of sexual behavior permitting men more freedom than women. Compare single standard
Example: Israel’s the enemy and you’re a traitor if you say the opposite which makes sense, while Syria is our ally and you can’t say the opposite otherwise you are a traitor.
Patriot وطني pa•tri•ot [pey-tree-uh t, -ot or, especially Brit., pa-tree-uh t] –nouna person who loves, supports, and defends his or her country and its interests with devotion.
Example: No Body
Principle مبدأ [prin-suh-puh l]guiding sense of the requirements and obligations of right conduct: a person of principle.
Example: Samir Geagea was against Syrians and had to go to jail because of his principles. He came out and still is against Syrians. Whereas Walid Jumblat’s principles resemble a Ferris Wheel & Michel Aoun’s depend on who could make him president.
Liar كاذب li•ar [lahy-er]a person who tells lies.
Example: Walid Jumblat
Kharouf خروف kha•rou•f [ka-r-uf]a meek, unimaginative, or easily led person.
Example: Lebanese people
Resistance مقاومة re•sist•ance [ri-zis-tuh ns]an underground organization composed of groups of private individuals from the same nationality with different religions working as an opposition force in a conquered country to overthrow the occupying power, usually by acts of sabotage, guerrilla warfare, etc.
The resistance shall not stop its exercise until all the territories are free, at that exact moment it stops to exist otherwise it becomes against order militia (Traitors). At any given time the resistance stops action it is considered dead, or an ally to the conqueror.
Example: Hizbullah, (Al-Mukawama Al-Islamiah Al-tabi3a li Iran) four years no action and Lebanon is still under occupation (Mazeri3 Shib3a). NO COMMENT!!
Traitorخائن trai•tor [trey-ter]a person who betrays another, a cause, or any trust.
Example: Hassan Nasrallah is capable of reaching Al-Jalil and kick Israel’s ass, Ahmadi Nejad can make Israel disappear, but both don’t have the time! They have something more important, maybe later!!
Asshole بخش الطيز ass•hole [as-hohl]a stupid, mean, or contemptible person.
Example: Me, knowing all that, and I still have hope to find someone wise enough to tell his leader to fuck off!!
a fixed false belief that is resistant to reason or confrontation with actual fact: a paranoid delusion.
Example: Michel Aoun. Thinks all Christians are with him and more than half the Lebanese. Moammar Qaddafi anyone?
Hypocrite منافق hyp•o•crite [hip-uh-krit]a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, especially one whose private life, opinions, or statements contradict his or her public statements.
Example: Nabih Berri. He disapproves of Moammar Qaddafi and calls for the transfer of power, yet has been Head of Amal party for 32 consecutive years and Speaker of the Parliament for 20 consecutive years and more to come.
Enemy عدو en•e•my [en-uh-mee]enemies, persons, nations, etc., that are hostile to one another: Let's make up and stop being enemies.
Example: Israel confiscated 25% of Lebanon for 22 years, stole Lebanon’s water, killed Lebanese citizens, kidnapped Lebanese citizens but released all now.
Friend صديق fr•ie•nd [frend]a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
Example: Syria, confiscated 50% of Lebanon for 30 years, killed Lebanese citizens, stole from Lebanon billions of USD, kidnapped Lebanese most of whom are still in Syrian jails.
Double standards معايير مزدوجة –nounany code or set of principles containing different provisions for one group of people than for another, especially an unwritten code of sexual behavior permitting men more freedom than women. Compare single standard
Example: Israel’s the enemy and you’re a traitor if you say the opposite which makes sense, while Syria is our ally and you can’t say the opposite otherwise you are a traitor.
Patriot وطني pa•tri•ot [pey-tree-uh t, -ot or, especially Brit., pa-tree-uh t] –nouna person who loves, supports, and defends his or her country and its interests with devotion.
Example: No Body
Principle مبدأ [prin-suh-puh l]guiding sense of the requirements and obligations of right conduct: a person of principle.
Example: Samir Geagea was against Syrians and had to go to jail because of his principles. He came out and still is against Syrians. Whereas Walid Jumblat’s principles resemble a Ferris Wheel & Michel Aoun’s depend on who could make him president.
Liar كاذب li•ar [lahy-er]a person who tells lies.
Example: Walid Jumblat
Kharouf خروف kha•rou•f [ka-r-uf]a meek, unimaginative, or easily led person.
Example: Lebanese people
Resistance مقاومة re•sist•ance [ri-zis-tuh ns]an underground organization composed of groups of private individuals from the same nationality with different religions working as an opposition force in a conquered country to overthrow the occupying power, usually by acts of sabotage, guerrilla warfare, etc.
The resistance shall not stop its exercise until all the territories are free, at that exact moment it stops to exist otherwise it becomes against order militia (Traitors). At any given time the resistance stops action it is considered dead, or an ally to the conqueror.
Example: Hizbullah, (Al-Mukawama Al-Islamiah Al-tabi3a li Iran) four years no action and Lebanon is still under occupation (Mazeri3 Shib3a). NO COMMENT!!
Traitorخائن trai•tor [trey-ter]a person who betrays another, a cause, or any trust.
Example: Hassan Nasrallah is capable of reaching Al-Jalil and kick Israel’s ass, Ahmadi Nejad can make Israel disappear, but both don’t have the time! They have something more important, maybe later!!
Asshole بخش الطيز ass•hole [as-hohl]a stupid, mean, or contemptible person.
Example: Me, knowing all that, and I still have hope to find someone wise enough to tell his leader to fuck off!!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Power of the People
1- Iraq: Saddam Hussein Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti (1979 – 2003) 24 Years
2- Palestine: Mohammed Yasser Abdel Rahman Abdel Raouf Arafat (1959 – 2004) 45 Years
3- Tunisia: Zine El Abidine Ben Ali (1987 – 2011) 34 Years
4- Egypt: Muhammad Hosni Sayyid Mubarak (1981 – 2011) 30 Years
5- Libya: Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi (1969 – 2011) 42 Years
6- Yemen: Ali Abdullah Saleh (1994 – 2011) 17 Years
7- Algeria: Abdelaziz Bouteflika (1999 – 2011) 12 Years
8- Syria: Assad Family (1970 – 2011) 41 Years
9- Sudan: Omar Hassan Ahmad al-Bashir (1989 – 2011) 22 Years
10- Djibouti: Ismaïl Omar Guelleh (1999 – 2011) 12 Years
11- Mauretania: Mohamed Ould Abdel Aziz (2005 – 2011) 6 Years
12- Bahrain: Al Khalifa family (1971 – 2011) 40 Years
13- Jordan: Al-Hussein family (1951 – 2011) 60 Years
14- UAE: Al Nahyan family (1855 – 2011) 156 Years
15- Qatar: Al Thani family (1825 – 2011) 186 Years
16- Kuwait: Al Sabah family (1751 – 2011) 260 Years
17- KSA: Al Saud family (1744 – 2011) 267 Years
18- Somalia: Sharif Ahmed (2009 – 2011) 2 Years
19- Oman: Al Said (since 18th Century)
20- Morocco: (since 17th Century )
21- Lebanon:
a. Maronites: Samir Farid Geagea (1986 – 2011) 25 years - 11 in jail since he was the only one to pay his debts to the nation,
Michel Naim Aoun (1988 – 2011) 23 Years – 15 Years in France living a luxurious life while his people are being treated like dogs.
b. Druz: Jumblat family (1943 – 2011) 68 Years
c. Shiite: Nabih Mustapha Birri (1984 – 2011) 30 Years,
Hasan Abdelkarim Nasrallah (1992 – 2011) 19 Years
d. Sunni: Harriri family (1992 – 2011) 19 Years
Being in power in the Arab world is a sickness with no medicine. It is a combination of 55% Alzheimer, 25% inferiority complex & 20% stupidity. Arab leaders go with the saying: “You would be an ass if you have a donkey and you don’t ride it 24/7/365”. I have a dream that one day an Arab leader would willingly leave his post as a King, Prince, President, Prime Minister or a Speaker of Parliament, and not due to death of natural causes, assassination, or a revolution killing the people he was supposed to be protecting. Amazing how leaders thrown down, and others soon to follow, are all 99.9% sure that their people are all with them and then those same people are the ones who will demand that they leave, destroy their statues and pictures and spit on them as soon as they leave. Arab leaders & Arab people wake up, (حاج تلحسو المبرد).
As for the Lebanese people, how can you live your life while knowing from day one that you have limitations for your ambitions?
- You can’t be a president or an army commander if you’re not a Christian maronite!
- You can’t be a prime minister if you’re not a sunni!
- You can’t be speaker of parliament if you’re not a shiite!
- You can’t be a Member of the Parliament unless you are loyal to one of the leading parties!
- You can’t be a part of the Islamic resistance against Israel unless you are a Shiite with Hezbollah!
- You can’t carry a weapon and use it on your fellow Lebanese unless you are a Shiite with Hezbollah!
- You can’t be a Lebanese unless you are a sheep and following one of your religious leaders, no questions asked!
- You can’t offend Hezbollah because it means you’re offending the resistance; since they are one entity. But when Hezbollah uses his weapons against other Lebanese, you can’t accuse the resistance, because they are different entities!
- You can’t mock any religious figure because they are “religious”, and 90% of their time is talking politics on TVs!
If this is the way, and since 50% of Lebanese people are ok with it as “statistics” show, and since nobody wants to revolt, I would like to invite the other 50% to start a new Christian resistance with arms to “fight Israel” and maybe even liberate Al-Kudus.
And if anyone thinks that’s wrong then those are traitors working with Israel, so simple.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
The Vagina
In 1921, the world famous Austrian gynecologist, Dr. Hermann Otto Kloepneckler. M.D. Ph.D. published the following:
“The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental.”
“The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental.”
Saturday, February 12, 2011
A Fart Song
A fart is a pleasant thing; it gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter, and suffocates the fleas.
A fart can be quiet; a fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful, Poisonous cloud
A fart can be short, or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known to sound like a song......
A fart can create a most curious medley;
A fart can be harmless, or silent, and deadly.
A fart might not smell, while others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly, or linger a while......
A fart can occur in a number of places,
and leave everyone there, with strange looks on their faces.
From wide-open prairie, to small elevators,
A fart will find all of us sooner or later.
But farts are all bad, is simply not true
We must never forget....... Sweet old farts like you!
It warms the bed in winter, and suffocates the fleas.
A fart can be quiet; a fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful, Poisonous cloud
A fart can be short, or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known to sound like a song......
A fart can create a most curious medley;
A fart can be harmless, or silent, and deadly.
A fart might not smell, while others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly, or linger a while......
A fart can occur in a number of places,
and leave everyone there, with strange looks on their faces.
From wide-open prairie, to small elevators,
A fart will find all of us sooner or later.
But farts are all bad, is simply not true
We must never forget....... Sweet old farts like you!
Sunday, February 06, 2011
Hussnie Moubarak Jokes
طلب وزير الداخليه من حسني مبارك ان يكتب رسالة وداع للشعب المصري
فرد عليه : ليه هم رايحين فين؟
الرئيس المصري حسني مبارك يحرق نفسة امام القصر الرئاسي مطالبا بتغيير الشعب
حسني مبارك يرسل لشعبه بالاذاعه أغنيه: اخصمك أآآآه ,,,, اسيبك لالالالالا ااااا
اثنين مصريين محششين بالمظاهرات المصرية
الاول بحكي للثاني : طيب إذا أحنا كسبنا وأسقطنا الحكومة شو بصير !!؟?
الثاني : بنلعب مع تونس على النهائي
فرد عليه : ليه هم رايحين فين؟
الرئيس المصري حسني مبارك يحرق نفسة امام القصر الرئاسي مطالبا بتغيير الشعب
حسني مبارك يرسل لشعبه بالاذاعه أغنيه: اخصمك أآآآه ,,,, اسيبك لالالالالا ااااا
اثنين مصريين محششين بالمظاهرات المصرية
الاول بحكي للثاني : طيب إذا أحنا كسبنا وأسقطنا الحكومة شو بصير !!؟?
الثاني : بنلعب مع تونس على النهائي
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Bank Audi
هي شو؟
هيدي رصاصة... خليتا من أول سلاح حملتو، كلشنكوف؟
اي بكلشنكوف كنا ندرز البلد كلّها
عل19 جبت دبابة و شكلت أول مجموعة كنت اّخد عمك نجيب و نروح عالبرج و نعمل رماية ونقنص عالعالم، وقت صرت قائد ميليشيا أخدت أمك خطيفة اييية احتفلنا بالملجأ،كانت أيام حلوة ما كنا مدنية بس مليشيات،نروح كنا نقنص نقوص، تقوص؟
أنا يلي كنت قوص،نقوص لوج الصبح ونسرب عالمتراس رأساّ.
هي...هيدي تاركها لأني أكيد رح يجي نهار ترجع الرصاصة تحكي
هيدي رصاصة... خليتا من أول سلاح حملتو، كلشنكوف؟
اي بكلشنكوف كنا ندرز البلد كلّها
عل19 جبت دبابة و شكلت أول مجموعة كنت اّخد عمك نجيب و نروح عالبرج و نعمل رماية ونقنص عالعالم، وقت صرت قائد ميليشيا أخدت أمك خطيفة اييية احتفلنا بالملجأ،كانت أيام حلوة ما كنا مدنية بس مليشيات،نروح كنا نقنص نقوص، تقوص؟
أنا يلي كنت قوص،نقوص لوج الصبح ونسرب عالمتراس رأساّ.
هي...هيدي تاركها لأني أكيد رح يجي نهار ترجع الرصاصة تحكي
Walid Jumblat most recent facebook activities
Walid is now friend with Hassan Nasrallah, Ahmadi Najad, Bashar Asad and 2 other friends
Walid and 65 other friends likes basher status “Lebanon here I come”
Walid wrote on the wall of the 14 March “so long suckers”
Walid left the group 14 March
Walid joined the group 8 March
Walid wrote on the group 8 March wall “nice group guys”
Walid fucked: Taymour, Aslan, Dalia (they became wled kalb), Kamal Jumblat heritage, Kamal Jumblat memory (yalli khallaf mitil walid met w shibi3 mot), good PSP candidates, Good Druze, lots of Martyrs, Good Sunnis, Good Christians, Saad Hariri, Najib Mikati, Mohamad Safadi, Ghazi Aridi (they won’t see it anymore), and last but not least himself, so no need to say anymore FUCK YOU WALID BEIK!!
Walid and 65 other friends likes basher status “Lebanon here I come”
Walid wrote on the wall of the 14 March “so long suckers”
Walid left the group 14 March
Walid joined the group 8 March
Walid wrote on the group 8 March wall “nice group guys”
Walid fucked: Taymour, Aslan, Dalia (they became wled kalb), Kamal Jumblat heritage, Kamal Jumblat memory (yalli khallaf mitil walid met w shibi3 mot), good PSP candidates, Good Druze, lots of Martyrs, Good Sunnis, Good Christians, Saad Hariri, Najib Mikati, Mohamad Safadi, Ghazi Aridi (they won’t see it anymore), and last but not least himself, so no need to say anymore FUCK YOU WALID BEIK!!
Saad ma Sa2at!!
هيدا سعد. سعد ماسقط، سعد كبر وصار رئيس وزارة. وإنت من خلال حرق دواليب فيك تردوعالسرايا
ب20000 ليرة بس شتري دولاب وحرقو زي ما هو
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, December 20, 2010
Walid Beik Jumblat, Shut the fuck up!!
الى وليد جنبلاط: بالله عليك.... أصمت
بالله عليك أصمت!! اتّقِ الله و ا صمت!! حتى الدرك له قعرٌ يتوقف عنده!
كان اسمك متداولاً على لائحة التصفيات مع الرئيس الحريري بعد ال 1559 فسقط الحريري و انتابك الهلع فكنت أولّ من أطلق شعارات الاتهام المباشر و الحقد باتجاه سوريا و حزب الله و حرضّت كل من آمن بانتفاضة استقلال 2005 على الذهاب الى الآخر!
عندما لم تستجب الولايات المتحدة لمطلبك تغيير النظام في سوريا و اكتفت بفرض تغيير السلوك، استسلمت و بدأت استدارتك التقهقرية و انتقلنا من الاقرار بعد سكوت عشرين سنة بأنّ سوريا اغتالت والدك كمال بك جنبلاط ، الى السماح من دون النسيان ، الى السماح و النسيان و الامتناع عن وضع وردة حمراء على ضريح الشهيد
بالامس عشنا هاجس اقترابك من الستين ( و نحن نتمنى لك العمر المديد!) و خوفك من أن تلقى مصير والدك الذي استشهد في الستين، فخفت من تكرار 7 أيار و استباحة حزب الله لأهلك في الجبل، خفت على ابنك تيمور، فاستسلمت و نكرت ذاتك و قيادتك لمسيرة 14 آذار و اعتبرتها ساعة تخليّ ووصفت المحكمة بالمسيّسة و دست على دماء و عذابات صديقك مروان حمادة!!!
بالله عليك! هل أنت مقتنع بأن تيمور راضٍ عن هذه الانقلابة التي أصابته بالدوار! هل أنت مقتنع بأنّ نورا التي أطعمت الشباب بأيديها في خيم ساحة الحرية مقتنعة بهواجس الانهيار! هل أنت مقتنع بأنّ أهل الجبل أهل الشهامة و الكبر، ألعوبة بين يديك ترضى بالانكسار، و لمجرّد أنها تحترم زعامتك تأخذها أنىّ تشاء و تفرض عليها طأطأة الرأس بذريعة خوفك عليها و على وجودها!!!
بالله عليك أصمت!! كفاك إذلالاً!! أصمت!!
كيف طاوعك قلبك و أنت في حضرة جيزيل زوجة الشهيد سمير قصير على شاشة العربية أن تغمس خنجرك في صدرها و تتنكّر لقضية نبيلة كنت لوْلَبَها، فإذا بك تنعتها بصفاتٍ تخوينية و بالأداة العميلة!!!
بالله عليك أصمت!! أنت حرٌّ بنفسك لكنكّ لست حراً بناسك و بمحبيّك و بشهدائك!!
اتقّ الله و اصمت!! توقفّ عن الحفر في الجورة التي خبأّت رأسك فيها كي لا تستمرّ في الانحدار و الغرق...
بالله عليك أصمت!! اتّقِ الله و ا صمت!! حتى الدرك له قعرٌ يتوقف عنده!
كان اسمك متداولاً على لائحة التصفيات مع الرئيس الحريري بعد ال 1559 فسقط الحريري و انتابك الهلع فكنت أولّ من أطلق شعارات الاتهام المباشر و الحقد باتجاه سوريا و حزب الله و حرضّت كل من آمن بانتفاضة استقلال 2005 على الذهاب الى الآخر!
عندما لم تستجب الولايات المتحدة لمطلبك تغيير النظام في سوريا و اكتفت بفرض تغيير السلوك، استسلمت و بدأت استدارتك التقهقرية و انتقلنا من الاقرار بعد سكوت عشرين سنة بأنّ سوريا اغتالت والدك كمال بك جنبلاط ، الى السماح من دون النسيان ، الى السماح و النسيان و الامتناع عن وضع وردة حمراء على ضريح الشهيد
بالامس عشنا هاجس اقترابك من الستين ( و نحن نتمنى لك العمر المديد!) و خوفك من أن تلقى مصير والدك الذي استشهد في الستين، فخفت من تكرار 7 أيار و استباحة حزب الله لأهلك في الجبل، خفت على ابنك تيمور، فاستسلمت و نكرت ذاتك و قيادتك لمسيرة 14 آذار و اعتبرتها ساعة تخليّ ووصفت المحكمة بالمسيّسة و دست على دماء و عذابات صديقك مروان حمادة!!!
بالله عليك! هل أنت مقتنع بأن تيمور راضٍ عن هذه الانقلابة التي أصابته بالدوار! هل أنت مقتنع بأنّ نورا التي أطعمت الشباب بأيديها في خيم ساحة الحرية مقتنعة بهواجس الانهيار! هل أنت مقتنع بأنّ أهل الجبل أهل الشهامة و الكبر، ألعوبة بين يديك ترضى بالانكسار، و لمجرّد أنها تحترم زعامتك تأخذها أنىّ تشاء و تفرض عليها طأطأة الرأس بذريعة خوفك عليها و على وجودها!!!
بالله عليك أصمت!! كفاك إذلالاً!! أصمت!!
كيف طاوعك قلبك و أنت في حضرة جيزيل زوجة الشهيد سمير قصير على شاشة العربية أن تغمس خنجرك في صدرها و تتنكّر لقضية نبيلة كنت لوْلَبَها، فإذا بك تنعتها بصفاتٍ تخوينية و بالأداة العميلة!!!
بالله عليك أصمت!! أنت حرٌّ بنفسك لكنكّ لست حراً بناسك و بمحبيّك و بشهدائك!!
اتقّ الله و اصمت!! توقفّ عن الحفر في الجورة التي خبأّت رأسك فيها كي لا تستمرّ في الانحدار و الغرق...
مي شدياق
Thursday, September 23, 2010
NEW SERVICE IN LEBANON
In order to boost Tourism, since it became almost the only way to make money in Lebanon, a new service was introduce recently: VISA (In less than 24hrs) - TICKETS (1st Class) - AIRPORT PICK UP (No check points) - ESCORT (Premium Cars, tinted glass) - ACCOMMODATION & TV INTERVIEWS (In the special guest lounge).
For more information. CALL: 800-HIZBULLAH or 800-HARIRI (Welcome to Lebanon and enjoy your stay)
n.b. We know exactly where you are no need for a name card!!
For more information. CALL: 800-HIZBULLAH or 800-HARIRI (Welcome to Lebanon and enjoy your stay)
n.b. We know exactly where you are no need for a name card!!
Monday, April 19, 2010
A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
> And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair of the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help, that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
> And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair of the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help, that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Thursday, April 08, 2010
Microsoft vs GM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
I love the next one!!!
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
I love the next one!!!
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
Job Opportunity
A man went into the Job Centre and saw a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read;
"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. The annual salary is £65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Albany
"My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.
She answered,
"No sir, that's where the end of the queue is right now."
The clerk pulled up the file and read;
"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. The annual salary is £65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Albany
"My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.
She answered,
"No sir, that's where the end of the queue is right now."
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
BROWN, THE NEW AOUNI COLOR
Two ladies, 1 from Ashrafieh, and 1 from Mazraa were having their morning coffee. The first one is with “AOUN”, and the second one is with “FUTURE”.The "Aoun" lady told her friend: "My son, now, hates everything related to the blue color. He refuses to wear his blue t-shirts, his blue swimming suit, and also he refuses to go to the sea because it’s blue or even look to the sky".
So the "Future" lady asked her: "Does he like the brown color?” She answered: "Yes" Then the "Future" lady replied: "Eh khali, yekol khara”!!!!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
AOUNI ASS-HOLES
Two Aouni businessmen in Kiserwen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot Kuwatjy is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling. No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Kuwatjy walked to the window, had a peek, and asked 'What you sell?'One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes'. Without skipping a beat, the Kuwatjy said, 'You are doing very well, only two left!'
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Sunday, June 07, 2009
Thursday, June 04, 2009
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
A FINE LINE STANDS BETWEEN THE PROBLEM & THE SOLUTION!
ثبُت سياسيًّا أنّ الكلسون أبو خيط هو أفضل شعار للديمقراطية لأنه
يفرّق اليمين عن اليسار- يُبرز الكُتلتَيْن- يهتمّ بالوسط- يوحّد أنظار الشعب
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Monday, June 01, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Who not to vote for!
سألني صديقي: هل ستنتخب؟
أجبته: أكيد
قال: هنالك زحمة مرشحين ، لمن تنصحني أن أصوّت ؟
قلت: لن أقول لك لمن تصوّت ولكن يمكن أن أنصحك لمن لا تصوّت
ضحك وقال: هات ما عندك من نصائح
:قلت له
لا تنتخب من وعدك بالدفاع عنك وفرّ وتركك وحيداً تواجه العدو
لا تنتخب من وعدك بأن لا سلاح خارج الشرعية وهو اليوم يتحالف مع كل سلاح خارج الشرعية
لا تنتخب من خدعك بشعارات التحرير وكسر الرؤوس وهزّ المسامير وهو اليوم مسمار العدو الأول في قلب الوطن
لا تنتخب من يقول أنّه حرّ وقراره حرّ ولا يجرؤ على تسمية مرشحيه إلّا حيث يسمح له أسياده
لا تنتخب من يزرع الفتن والحقد والكره في المجتمع المسيحي
لا تنتخب من يفبرك الشائعات ويزوّر الحقائق ويحوّر الوقائع
لا تنتخب من خان الشهداء وتنكّر للأسرى في سجون البعث وزحف الى بلاط الشام متسولاً الرضى
لا تنتخب من يحرق وطنه ويهدد بتدميره مرة تلو مرة للوصول الى منصب أو كرسي
لا تنتخب الشتّام والمتوتر والكذّاب والمتلوّن لا تنتخب من يتطاول على الكنيسة ورموزها
لا تنتخب من يعيش على نكء الجراح وعلى النعرات الطائفية لا تنتخب من جرّبته سابقاً فأحرق الوطن وجرّبته اليوم فأحرق الوطن
لا تنتخب من يكرر إسطوانة مكافحة الفساد وهو كالعاهرة التي تحاضر في العفةّ
لا تنتخب من يتهم الضحايا بأنهم السبب وراء ضربهم ومقتلهم واغتيالهم فيما يبرّئ القاتل
لا تنتخب من حمّل مسؤولية اغتيال النقيب سامر حنا الى قيادة الجيش التي أرسلته بالطوافة العسكرية الى منطقة جزين
لا تنتخب من لا يجرؤ على تحمّل مسؤولية أو يجرؤ على الإعتذار أو على نقد ذاتي
لا تنتخب من يعتبر نفسه إلهاً والناس قطيع ولدوا للذبح
Monday, March 30, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
THE SMART WIFE!
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.'
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Thursday, March 05, 2009
FREE SEX MY ASS!! A LEBANESE 5 YEAR FEASIBILITY STUDY (Best Case Senario)
Inflow:
Ta3aruf: $2500 (Dinners $500, Clubbing $500, Gifts to her family $500, Gifts to her $500, Misc $500)
Khotbeh: $3000
Katebet Kteb: $30,000 (Moukadam Sadaka $10,000, Mouakhar Tala2 $ 20,000)
Pre-Marriage: $5000 (Tickets to & From Lebanon $ 2000, Intl. calls $1000, Gifts $2000)
Marriage: $20,000 (Dress, Jewelry, Hotel, F&B, Car, Flowers…)
Honey Moon: $6000
House Rent: $30,000 ($500/m)
Extra Car: $20,000
Extra Mobile: $3000
Clothes: $10,000
F&B: $15,000
Beauty: $47,000 (Hair $24,000, Make-Up & Beauty Products $12000, Nail Bar $6000, Gym$5000)
2 Children: $100,000 (Delivery, Milk, Pampers, Toys, Accommodations, Maid, Nursery, School, Clothes, Gifts, Birthday Parties)
Depreciation: $29,150
Outflow:
Sex: $320650/5 years– 18Months Pregnancy = $7634/Month – 1day PMS – 1 day tired – 1 day you are tired - 1 day she think you don’t love her anymore – 1 day she thinks you are cheating on her, you end up paying $305/Day to get laid with the same woman, and she is never satisfied!!
So tell me now, who the fuck is the smart ass who said that Marriage is SEX for free, for god sake Marriage is SEX with a Headache ya 7abibi so please add a box of Advil or any equivalent /month to your tab and good luck.
Ta3aruf: $2500 (Dinners $500, Clubbing $500, Gifts to her family $500, Gifts to her $500, Misc $500)
Khotbeh: $3000
Katebet Kteb: $30,000 (Moukadam Sadaka $10,000, Mouakhar Tala2 $ 20,000)
Pre-Marriage: $5000 (Tickets to & From Lebanon $ 2000, Intl. calls $1000, Gifts $2000)
Marriage: $20,000 (Dress, Jewelry, Hotel, F&B, Car, Flowers…)
Honey Moon: $6000
House Rent: $30,000 ($500/m)
Extra Car: $20,000
Extra Mobile: $3000
Clothes: $10,000
F&B: $15,000
Beauty: $47,000 (Hair $24,000, Make-Up & Beauty Products $12000, Nail Bar $6000, Gym$5000)
2 Children: $100,000 (Delivery, Milk, Pampers, Toys, Accommodations, Maid, Nursery, School, Clothes, Gifts, Birthday Parties)
Depreciation: $29,150
Outflow:
Sex: $320650/5 years– 18Months Pregnancy = $7634/Month – 1day PMS – 1 day tired – 1 day you are tired - 1 day she think you don’t love her anymore – 1 day she thinks you are cheating on her, you end up paying $305/Day to get laid with the same woman, and she is never satisfied!!
So tell me now, who the fuck is the smart ass who said that Marriage is SEX for free, for god sake Marriage is SEX with a Headache ya 7abibi so please add a box of Advil or any equivalent /month to your tab and good luck.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
A HUGE BREAK THROUGH
Scientists finally discovered what's wrong with Michael Aoun's brain:
On the left side there's nothing right, on the right side there's nothing left.
On the left side there's nothing right, on the right side there's nothing left.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
PROUD TO BE LEBANESE!
STATISTICS ABOUT LEBANON
1. Lebanon has 18 religious communities.
2. It has 40 daily newspapers, more than 80 magazines, 10 TV Stations, 17 Radio Stations.
3. It has 42 universities.
4. It has over 100 banks (That is banks and not branches of a bank).
5. 70% of the students are in private schools.
6. 92% of its population own Cellular phone. (The highest percent in the world).
7. Many of the Lebanese people are Christians (The highest percent in all the Arab countries).
8. There's 1 doctor per 10 people in Lebanon (In Europe & America, there's 1 doctor per 100 people).
9. The name LEBANON appears 75 times in the Old Testament.
10. The name CEDAR (Lebanon’s tree) appears 75 times too in the Old Testament!
11. Beirut was destroyed and rebuilt 9 times (this is why it's compared to The Phoenix).
12. There's 4 Million Lebanese in Lebanon.
13. There's around 15 Million Lebanese outside Lebanon!
OTHER INTERESTING FACTS
1. Lebanon, the country, was occupied by over 16 countries: (Egyptians-Hittites-Assyrians- Babylonians- Persians- Alexander the greats Army- the Roman Empire Byzantine- the Arabian Peninsula-The Crusaders- the Ottoman Empire- Britain-France- Israel- Syria).
2. Byblos (city in Lebanon) is the oldest, continuously living city in the world.
3. Lebanon’s name has been around for 4,000 years non- stop (it's the oldest country/ nation's name in the world!)
4. Lebanon is the only Asian country that doesn't have a desert.
5. There are 15 rivers in Lebanon (all of them coming from its own mountains).
6. Lebanon is one of the most populated countries in its archeological sites, in the world!
7. The first alphabet was created in Byblos (city in Lebanon).
8. The only remaining temple of Jupiter (the main Roman god) is in Baalbek, Lebanon (The City of the Sun).
9. The name of BYBLOS comes from the BIBLE!
10. Lebanon is the country that has the most books written about it.
11. Lebanon is the only non-dictatorial country in the Arab world (Yes, we do have a President!)12. Jesus Christ made his 1st miracle in Lebanon, in Qana (The miracle of turning water into wine).
13. The Phoenicians (Original People of Lebanon) built the 1st boat, and they were the first to sail ever!
14. Phoenicians also reached America long before Christopher Columbus did.
15. The 1st law school in the world was built in Lebanon, in Downtown Beirut.
16. People say that the cedars were planted by God's own hands (This is why they're called 'The Cedars of God', and this is why Lebanon is called 'God's Country on Earth.' I love Lebanon..... May God bless my homeland forever....
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
NEW CAR SEAT BELT
This becomes effective June 1, 2009 in ALL Provinces.
The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly Designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95% when the belt is properly installed. Correct Installation is illustrated below.......
Please advise your family and friends.
This may help save a life!
Monday, February 16, 2009
Laid-Off Foreigners Flee as Dubai Spirals Down
Now, like many of the foreign workers who make up 90 percent of the population here, she has been laid off and faces the prospect of being forced to leave this Persian Gulf city — or worse.
“I’m really scared of what could happen, because I bought property here,” said Sofia, who asked that her last name be withheld because she is still hunting for a new job. “If I can’t pay it off, I was told I could end up in debtors’ prison.”
With Dubai’s economy in free fall, newspapers have reported that more than 3,000 cars sit abandoned in the parking lot at the Dubai Airport, left by fleeing, debt-ridden foreigners (who could in fact be imprisoned if they failed to pay their bills). Some are said to have maxed-out credit cards inside and notes of apology taped to the windshield.
The government says the real number is much lower. But the stories contain at least a grain of truth: jobless people here lose their work visas and then must leave the country within a month. That in turn reduces spending, creates housing vacancies and lowers real estate prices, in a downward spiral that has left parts of Dubai — once hailed as the economic superpower of the Middle East — looking like a ghost town.
No one knows how bad things have become, though it is clear that tens of thousands have left, real estate prices have crashed and scores of Dubai’s major construction projects have been suspended or canceled. But with the government unwilling to provide data, rumors are bound to flourish, damaging confidence and further undermining the economy.
Instead of moving toward greater transparency, the emirates seem to be moving in the other direction. A new draft media law would make it a crime to damage the country’s reputation or economy, punishable by fines of up to 1 million dirhams (about $272,000). Some say it is already having a chilling effect on reporting about the crisis.
Last month, local newspapers reported that Dubai was canceling 1,500 work visas every day, citing unnamed government officials. Asked about the number, Humaid bin Dimas, a spokesman for Dubai’s Labor Ministry, said he would not confirm or deny it and refused to comment further. Some say the true figure is much higher.
“At the moment there is a readiness to believe the worst,” said Simon Williams, HSBC bank’s chief economist in Dubai. “And the limits on data make it difficult to counter the rumors.”
Some things are clear: real estate prices, which rose dramatically during Dubai’s six-year boom, have dropped 30 percent or more over the past two or three months in some parts of the city. Last week, Moody’s Investor’s Service announced that it might downgrade its ratings on six of Dubai’s most prominent state-owned companies, citing deterioration in the economic outlook. So many used luxury cars are for sale, they are sometimes sold for 40 percent less than the asking price two months ago, car dealers say. Dubai’s roads, usually thick with traffic at this time of year, are now mostly clear.
Some analysts say the crisis is likely to have long-lasting effects on the seven-member emirates federation, where Dubai has long played rebellious younger brother to oil-rich and more conservative Abu Dhabi. Dubai officials, swallowing their pride, have made clear that they would be open to a bailout, but so far Abu Dhabi has offered assistance only to its own banks.
“Why is Abu Dhabi allowing its neighbor to have its international reputation trashed, when it could bail out Dubai’s banks and restore confidence?” said Christopher M. Davidson, who predicted the current crisis in “Dubai: The Vulnerability of Success,” a book published last year. “Perhaps the plan is to centralize the U.A.E.” under Abu Dhabi’s control, he mused, in a move that would sharply curtail Dubai’s independence and perhaps change its signature freewheeling style.
For many foreigners, Dubai had seemed at first to be a refuge, relatively insulated from the panic that began hitting the rest of the world last autumn. The Persian Gulf is cushioned by vast oil and gas wealth, and some who lost jobs in New York and London began applying here.
But Dubai, unlike Abu Dhabi or nearby Qatar and Saudi Arabia, does not have its own oil, and had built its reputation on real estate, finance and tourism. Now, many expatriates here talk about Dubai as though it were a con game all along. Lurid rumors spread quickly: the Palm Jumeira, an artificial island that is one of this city’s trademark developments, is said to be sinking, and when you turn the faucets in the hotels built atop it, only cockroaches come out.
“Is it going to get better? They tell you that, but I don’t know what to believe anymore,” said Sofia, who still hopes to find a job before her time runs out. “People are really panicking quickly.”
Hamza Thiab, a 27-year-old Iraqi who moved here from Baghdad in 2005, lost his job with an engineering firm six weeks ago. He has until the end of February to find a job, or he must leave. “I’ve been looking for a new job for three months, and I’ve only had two interviews,” he said. “Before, you used to open up the papers here and see dozens of jobs. The minimum for a civil engineer with four years’ experience used to be 15,000 dirhams a month. Now, the maximum you’ll get is 8,000,” or about $2,000.
Mr. Thiab was sitting in a Costa Coffee Shop in the Ibn Battuta mall, where most of the customers seemed to be single men sitting alone, dolefully drinking coffee at midday. If he fails to find a job, he will have to go to Jordan, where he has family members — Iraq is still too dangerous, he says — though the situation is no better there. Before that, he will have to borrow money from his father to pay off the more than $12,000 he still owes on a bank loan for his Honda Civic. Iraqi friends bought fancier cars and are now, with no job, struggling to sell them.
“Before, so many of us were living a good life here,” Mr. Thiab said. “Now we cannot pay our loans. We are all just sleeping, smoking, drinking coffee and having headaches because of the situation.”
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
FATAL ATTRACTION
Michel Aoun suspects his wife of cheating on him, sends Jubran Bassil out to buy him a gun. He goes to their furnished apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds her naked in the arms of a 14th of March. Well, now he’s angry. He takes out the gun. But as he does so, he is overcome with grief and points the gun at his own head. The wife yells, "No, honey, don’t do it." "Shut up," he says. "You’re next."
Saturday, January 31, 2009
ZOUZOU & THE AOUN FANS
A teacher in Zahle, Lebanon asked her 6th grade class how many of them were AOUN fans.
Not really knowing what a AOUN fan was, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Zouzou.
The teacher asked Little Zouzou why he decided to be different... again.
Little Zouzou said, 'Because I'm not a AOUN fan.
The teacher said, 'Why aren't you a AOUN fan?
Zouzou said, 'Because I'm OUWWET.
The teacher asked why he's OUWWET?
Little Zouzou answered, 'Well, my Mom's OUWWET and my Dad's TOO, so I'm OUWWET
The teacher asks, 'If your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?
With a big smile, Little Zouzou replied, 'That would make me a AOUN fan.
Not really knowing what a AOUN fan was, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Zouzou.
The teacher asked Little Zouzou why he decided to be different... again.
Little Zouzou said, 'Because I'm not a AOUN fan.
The teacher said, 'Why aren't you a AOUN fan?
Zouzou said, 'Because I'm OUWWET.
The teacher asked why he's OUWWET?
Little Zouzou answered, 'Well, my Mom's OUWWET and my Dad's TOO, so I'm OUWWET
The teacher asks, 'If your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?
With a big smile, Little Zouzou replied, 'That would make me a AOUN fan.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
اعرف شخصيتك من ضرطتك Know your personality from your fart
تضرط لوحدك بالحمام = انطوائي Farting alone in the bathroom = Autistic
تضرط وتعترف = صريح Farting and confessing = Frank
تحب تشتم ضرطت غيرك = أجتماعي Fond to smell others’ fart = Social
تحاول تكتم الضرطه = حساس Trying to muffle or mute your fart = Sensitive
تضرط بصوت عالي = متمكن Farting loudly = Confident
تضرط وتتهم غيرك = نذل Farting but accusing someone else = Scoundrel
تضل تضرط فترة طويلة = سخيف Farting continuously for a long time = Silly
تضرط قدام بنات حلوات = شجاع Farting in front of cute girls = Brave
تضرط حتى لو عندك اسهال = متهور Farting when you have diarrhea = Reckless
تضرط و أنت واقف = مسيطر Farting while standing = In Control
تضرط و أنت مقلص = عنيف Farting while squirming = Violent
تضرط قدام الوالد = ديمقراطي Farting in front of your dad = Democratic
تحاول تاخذ وضعية عند الضرطة = غير منصف Trying to pose during farting = Unjust
تضرط وعندك بواسير = مقرف Farting while having Piles = Disgusting
تضرط بالامتحان = تريد أتغش Farting in the exam hall = Cheating
تضرط بمكان مغلق وتخنق الناس = أرهابي Farting in a close place, suffocating everyone = Terrorist
تضرط بدون صوت = رومانسي Farting without a sound = Romantic
تحب تشتم ضرطتك = مغرور Try to smell your own fart = Egotist
تضرط ضرطة متقطعة = خجول Farting sporadically = Shy
ما يعجبك تضرط = فارغ You don’t like to fart = Vain
تحاول تضرط بس متعرف = غير متمرس Trying to fart but you don’t know
how = incompetent
تضرط عمداً بالمصعد = لئيم Farting deliberately in the elevator = Mean
تضرط عمداً بالمصعد = لئيم Farting deliberately in the elevator = Mean
www.capisho.blogspot.com
عزيزتي المواطنة اللبنانية
لا تجعلي مشاغل الحياة تسرقك من نفسك ومن زوجك، أعيدي الشباب لعلاقتك الزوجية؛ أطفئي أضواء الكهرباء واستقبليه بشمعة في يدك، أزرعي بيتك بالشموع الحمراء والصفراء، أعدّي له عشاء رومانسيا على ضوء الشموع، اطفئي المكيّفات واجعليه يلجأ الى دفء احضانك، اطفئي التلفاز ولا تدعيه يتذرّع بالأخبار، لا تتيحي له مقارنتك بهيفا أو نانسي، استغني عن الميكروويف لتحميه من روائح الطبخ وارحميه من ضجيج الغسالة الكهربائية ولكي تشعريه بقدر من الإهتمام وبمعاناتك من أجله استخدمي المكواة القديمة التي تحمّى على بابور الكاز لكوي ملابسه، عوّديه على المشي معك يداَ بيد في ردهات المنزل وسط الظلام الدامس
مع تحيات كهرباء لبنان
مع تحيات كهرباء لبنان
Monday, January 19, 2009
SPINNEYS DOCTOR
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Abul Abed says to Abu Stef behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Abu Stef replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Spinneys. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Abul Abed deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Spinneys. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity it will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Spinneys."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Abul Abed began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from Imel Abed and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Abul Abed hurries back to Spinneys, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Imel Abed is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Spinneys.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Israel Vs Hezbollah
The Difference between Israel (lead by Ehud Olmart) Vs Gaza in Dec 2008 & Hezbollah (lead by Hassan Nasrallah) Vs Lebanon in May 2008 is that:
- Israel killed 1000 enemy in 18 days on an average of 55 Palestinians per day / Hezbollah killed 110 fellow countrymen in 2 days on an average of 55 Lebanese per day.
- Israel‘s purpose was to defend its people and land, Hezbollah’s purpose was to defend its arms and communication land line.
- Both fight on others land.
- Both exist due to religious reasons while both are illegal.
- Both are allies with Qatar, where they resolved their issues.
- Both are minorities on earth and hated by everyone else.
A wise man once said Hezbollah are the same as Israelis. I tell him today that he stands corrected they are even worse than that, for in July 2006 they even helped those Israelis and gave them a reason to kill more than 1000 & Injure more than 3000 Lebanese, Destroy more than 5000 house and building, and dispersed more than 8000 family and yet declared it a victory, But on whom till this day nobody knows! The worst of all is they are destroying Lebanese owned businesses where Lebanese employees work and try to feed their families thinking that in this way they are fighting Zionism, have you ever seen something more stupid!!
- Israel killed 1000 enemy in 18 days on an average of 55 Palestinians per day / Hezbollah killed 110 fellow countrymen in 2 days on an average of 55 Lebanese per day.
- Israel‘s purpose was to defend its people and land, Hezbollah’s purpose was to defend its arms and communication land line.
- Both fight on others land.
- Both exist due to religious reasons while both are illegal.
- Both are allies with Qatar, where they resolved their issues.
- Both are minorities on earth and hated by everyone else.
A wise man once said Hezbollah are the same as Israelis. I tell him today that he stands corrected they are even worse than that, for in July 2006 they even helped those Israelis and gave them a reason to kill more than 1000 & Injure more than 3000 Lebanese, Destroy more than 5000 house and building, and dispersed more than 8000 family and yet declared it a victory, But on whom till this day nobody knows! The worst of all is they are destroying Lebanese owned businesses where Lebanese employees work and try to feed their families thinking that in this way they are fighting Zionism, have you ever seen something more stupid!!
Sunday, December 07, 2008
جحش الدولة اللبنانية
يبدو أن جحش الدولة "الجنرال" ميشال عون نسي انه لولا تلك التكاسي (التي طلع ونزل منها؛ طاء طيئ؛ على عدد شعرات راسو) ما كان ليركب AIR بشار؛ الذي لطالما حلم به؛ هو والعائلة الكريمة ذهاباً وإياباً إلى مسقط رأسه الفارغ. ولكنه ولاول مرة، فقد صدقت توقعاته، وبتنا الآن نعرف ما هي ال 70% التي زاحنا فيها
Monday, June 23, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Thursday, June 05, 2008
MEEN AJDAB MIN MEEN!!
Walla ya 2ikhwen shaklo ma 7ada "ajdab" illa hal sha3ib illi ba3do byimshi wara il zo3ama, wil a7zeb, wil adyen.... mitil il khwereef iili ray7een 3al dabbe7. Sha3eb jabbar, bas agallkoun hmar!
Monday, June 02, 2008
YA SHA3BA LUBNAN IL FAZEE3
Dear Poor Aounieh People “Ya Sha3ba Lubnan il miskeen”,
Please watch this video, and complete the following:
Michel Aoun is:
a. Lier / b. Delirious / c. Schizophrenic / d. Stupid / e. Psycho / f. Got Alzheimer / g. All of the above
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Breaking News!
According to reliable sources, the Iranian government has ordered one of its battleships to patrol in the Mediterranean Sea and in the national waters of Lebanon in an act perceived as deterrent to the Americans. The Iranian Defense Administration ordered this battleship to remain in close proximity to USS Cole to ensure that the Lebanese allies will feel secure and relieved that the American influence will not prevail. The battleship is named IRN Shkor.
The official confirmed to us that the Lebanese will now have 'Cole W Shkor' available after every meal.
Bon Appetit!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Hezbollah Call Center
Hello you have reached The Hezbollah Hotline please listen as our options have changed
MAIN MENU
For Hassan Nassrallah Speeches press 1
For Tent City Hotline press 2
For Katyusha Smuggling press 3
For Assassinations press 4
For Presidential Election Blocking press 5
For Martyrdom Applicants press 6
For all other questions please stay on the line??
Welcome to Hassan Nassrallah's SpeechesPlease select from the following options
For all 'Al Mowtou Li Amrika' speeches press 1
For all 'Al Mowtou Li Israeel' speeches press 2
For the best of 'Al Mowtou' speeches press 3
For the 'Divine Victory/ Al Nasr l ilahi speeches press 4
For the 'We will never use our weapons internally propaganda' speeches press 5
For all 'Aoun is our negotiator' speeches press 6
To return to MAIN MENU press ZERO
Welcome to TENT CITY HOTLINE Please select from the following options
If you are calling from Tent City and have not received your weekly wages press 1
If you are a Hezbollah Tent City employee pretending to be a Aouny and would like to get an orange T-Shirt press 2
If you are a Hezbollah Tent City employee and have not had a shower in 3 weeks press 3
If you are not a Hezbollah Operative and would like to apply for a Tent City job please hang up and call the Hezbollah Recruitment Office at 1-800 GO-HIZB
To return to MAIN MENU press ZERO
Welcome to the Hezbollah Katyusha Smuggling DirectoryPlease enter your 8 digit security code located on the bottom of your yellow she77atta
For Syria to Lebanon truck drivers press 1
For Donkey Smuggling / Mountain Guides press 2
For Palestinians Groups looking to fire Katyushas at Israel press 4
To return to MAIN MENU press ZERO
Welcome to the ASSASSINATIONS INQUIRY HOTLINE
For remote control vehicle borne improvised explosive devices VBIED's press 1
For March 14 target list press 2
For surveillance and kill squads in Beirut press 3
For United Nations patrol routes press 4
To return to MAIN MENU press ZERO
Congratulations You Want to Block the Presidential Election Please choose from the following categories
If you are an FPM supporter and would like to see how Hezbollah can help press 1
If you are Wi'am Wahhab press 2
If you are willing to burn tires and demonstrate for money press 3
If you are a disgruntled pro Syrian and would like to bring the Syrians back press 4
If you are a Baathy, Aouny, SSNP, Marada, Karame supporter, or remnant of Syrian Moukhabarat please hold the line and someone will be with you shortly.
To return to MAIN MENU press ZERO
Salam 3alaykum you have pressed the #6, we congratulate you on choosing Martyrdom for the sake of the UMMA Please choose from the following Menu
If you are looking for 73 virgins press 1
If are looking for 73 virgins but cannot count that high, press 2
If you are Gay and are wondering if you get 73 virgin boys press 3
If you would like to record a martyrdom video press 4
If you would like to visit Abu Ali's barber shop before you get your Martyr Poster taken press 5
MAIN MENU
For Hassan Nassrallah Speeches press 1
For Tent City Hotline press 2
For Katyusha Smuggling press 3
For Assassinations press 4
For Presidential Election Blocking press 5
For Martyrdom Applicants press 6
For all other questions please stay on the line??
Welcome to Hassan Nassrallah's SpeechesPlease select from the following options
For all 'Al Mowtou Li Amrika' speeches press 1
For all 'Al Mowtou Li Israeel' speeches press 2
For the best of 'Al Mowtou' speeches press 3
For the 'Divine Victory/ Al Nasr l ilahi speeches press 4
For the 'We will never use our weapons internally propaganda' speeches press 5
For all 'Aoun is our negotiator' speeches press 6
To return to MAIN MENU press ZERO
Welcome to TENT CITY HOTLINE Please select from the following options
If you are calling from Tent City and have not received your weekly wages press 1
If you are a Hezbollah Tent City employee pretending to be a Aouny and would like to get an orange T-Shirt press 2
If you are a Hezbollah Tent City employee and have not had a shower in 3 weeks press 3
If you are not a Hezbollah Operative and would like to apply for a Tent City job please hang up and call the Hezbollah Recruitment Office at 1-800 GO-HIZB
To return to MAIN MENU press ZERO
Welcome to the Hezbollah Katyusha Smuggling DirectoryPlease enter your 8 digit security code located on the bottom of your yellow she77atta
For Syria to Lebanon truck drivers press 1
For Donkey Smuggling / Mountain Guides press 2
For Palestinians Groups looking to fire Katyushas at Israel press 4
To return to MAIN MENU press ZERO
Welcome to the ASSASSINATIONS INQUIRY HOTLINE
For remote control vehicle borne improvised explosive devices VBIED's press 1
For March 14 target list press 2
For surveillance and kill squads in Beirut press 3
For United Nations patrol routes press 4
To return to MAIN MENU press ZERO
Congratulations You Want to Block the Presidential Election Please choose from the following categories
If you are an FPM supporter and would like to see how Hezbollah can help press 1
If you are Wi'am Wahhab press 2
If you are willing to burn tires and demonstrate for money press 3
If you are a disgruntled pro Syrian and would like to bring the Syrians back press 4
If you are a Baathy, Aouny, SSNP, Marada, Karame supporter, or remnant of Syrian Moukhabarat please hold the line and someone will be with you shortly.
To return to MAIN MENU press ZERO
Salam 3alaykum you have pressed the #6, we congratulate you on choosing Martyrdom for the sake of the UMMA Please choose from the following Menu
If you are looking for 73 virgins press 1
If are looking for 73 virgins but cannot count that high, press 2
If you are Gay and are wondering if you get 73 virgin boys press 3
If you would like to record a martyrdom video press 4
If you would like to visit Abu Ali's barber shop before you get your Martyr Poster taken press 5
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
شر البليـّة ما يضحك
سمكة من لبنان
يروى أن صياداً عاد إلى زوجته وهو يحمل سمكة كبيرةطالباً منها أن تقليها في الزيت فاعتذرت له الزوجة لأنها لا تملك زيتاًبسبب ارتفاع سعر الزيت فطلب منها الصياد أن تشويهافاعتذرت له بسبب عدم وجود فحم وارتفاع سعر أنبوبة الغاز في الأسواقفطلب منها أن تطبخها مع الصلصة فلما علم أن سعر كيلو الطماطم قد وصل إلى دولارأخذ السمكة وألقاها غاضباً في البحر مرة أخرى فهتفت السمكة وهي في الماء
يعيش السيد حسن
يعيش ، يعيش ، يعيش
يروى أن صياداً عاد إلى زوجته وهو يحمل سمكة كبيرةطالباً منها أن تقليها في الزيت فاعتذرت له الزوجة لأنها لا تملك زيتاًبسبب ارتفاع سعر الزيت فطلب منها الصياد أن تشويهافاعتذرت له بسبب عدم وجود فحم وارتفاع سعر أنبوبة الغاز في الأسواقفطلب منها أن تطبخها مع الصلصة فلما علم أن سعر كيلو الطماطم قد وصل إلى دولارأخذ السمكة وألقاها غاضباً في البحر مرة أخرى فهتفت السمكة وهي في الماء
يعيش السيد حسن
يعيش ، يعيش ، يعيش
Friday, November 23, 2007
Lebanese President
When Sheikh Amine Jemayel was elected president we discovered that Lebanon could be ruled by anyone. When he left it for General Michel Aoun we discovered that Lebanon could be ruled by anyone, even a mentally retarded. When (ra7amaho Allah) Mr. Elias Heraweh was announced we knew that Lebanon could be ruled by anyone mentally or physically retarded. Finally we became 100% sure after 9 years of Lahoud’s posing as president, that Lebanon doesn’t need a president at all.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Saturday, November 03, 2007
BEER CONTAINS FEMALE HORMONES
Last month, National University of London, England scientists released the results of a recent study that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough bee!!!urn into women.
To test this theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects?
1) Argued over nothing
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong
3) Gained weight
4) Talked excessively without making sense
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn’t drive
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating
No further testing was considered necessary!!!.
To test this theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects?
1) Argued over nothing
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong
3) Gained weight
4) Talked excessively without making sense
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn’t drive
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating
No further testing was considered necessary!!!.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Shaker el Absi Vs Michel Aoun
- Shaker El Absi fought till the last minute, while Michel Aoun surrendered in the very beginning.
- Shaker El Absi made sure to check his wife and kids are safe before worrying about himself, while Michel Aoun ran away and left his family behind.
- Shaker El Absi tried to escape with all his fighters and died with them, while Michel Aoun escaped for himself, and left them fighting and dying alone.
All the above and Shaker El Absi is a terrorist, while Michel Aoun was the Prime Minister & Commander in Chief of the Lebanese Army!
- Shaker El Absi made sure to check his wife and kids are safe before worrying about himself, while Michel Aoun ran away and left his family behind.
- Shaker El Absi tried to escape with all his fighters and died with them, while Michel Aoun escaped for himself, and left them fighting and dying alone.
All the above and Shaker El Absi is a terrorist, while Michel Aoun was the Prime Minister & Commander in Chief of the Lebanese Army!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Lebanese in Hell
The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said "I have to talk to you. We have some Lebanese up here in heaven that are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabanas instead of their white robes, their riding BMW's instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discount prices. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway eating sunflower and watermelon seeds and smoking arguileh. Some of them are walking around with just one wing!" The Lord said, "Lebanese are Lebanese. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the devil." The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Damn, hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "OK I'm back. What can I do for you?"Gabriel replied, "I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there."The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?" Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said, "Man I don't believe this.......Hold on."This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those damn Lebanese have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning!!!
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Syrian Intelligence
القت المخابرات السورية القبض على مواطنين سوريين، (بعد إعلان نتائج الإنتخبات الرئاسية في سوريا، وبعد الفوز المفاجئ للرئيس بشار الاسد حفظه الله). وكما صرح المتحدث الرسمي للرئاسة فقد كانا يدبكان في احد الإحتفالات ولاكن ليس من قلبهم.
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