Route 2009! Your choice, Your Future.

wa iza akramta al la2ima tamarrada!!

Jarban Embessil contradicting himself!

Who not to vote for!

سألني صديقي: هل ستنتخب؟

أجبته: أكيد

قال: هنالك زحمة مرشحين ، لمن تنصحني أن أصوّت ؟

قلت: لن أقول لك لمن تصوّت ولكن يمكن أن أنصحك لمن لا تصوّت

ضحك وقال: هات ما عندك من نصائح

:قلت له

لا تنتخب من وعدك بالدفاع عنك وفرّ وتركك وحيداً تواجه العدو

لا تنتخب من وعدك بأن لا سلاح خارج الشرعية وهو اليوم يتحالف مع كل سلاح خارج الشرعية

لا تنتخب من خدعك بشعارات التحرير وكسر الرؤوس وهزّ المسامير وهو اليوم مسمار العدو الأول في قلب الوطن

لا تنتخب من يقول أنّه حرّ وقراره حرّ ولا يجرؤ على تسمية مرشحيه إلّا حيث يسمح له أسياده

لا تنتخب من يزرع الفتن والحقد والكره في المجتمع المسيحي

لا تنتخب من يفبرك الشائعات ويزوّر الحقائق ويحوّر الوقائع

لا تنتخب من خان الشهداء وتنكّر للأسرى في سجون البعث وزحف الى بلاط الشام متسولاً الرضى

لا تنتخب من يحرق وطنه ويهدد بتدميره مرة تلو مرة للوصول الى منصب أو كرسي

لا تنتخب الشتّام والمتوتر والكذّاب والمتلوّن لا تنتخب من يتطاول على الكنيسة ورموزها

لا تنتخب من يعيش على نكء الجراح وعلى النعرات الطائفية لا تنتخب من جرّبته سابقاً فأحرق الوطن وجرّبته اليوم فأحرق الوطن

لا تنتخب من يكرر إسطوانة مكافحة الفساد وهو كالعاهرة التي تحاضر في العفةّ

لا تنتخب من يتهم الضحايا بأنهم السبب وراء ضربهم ومقتلهم واغتيالهم فيما يبرّئ القاتل

لا تنتخب من حمّل مسؤولية اغتيال النقيب سامر حنا الى قيادة الجيش التي أرسلته بالطوافة العسكرية الى منطقة جزين

لا تنتخب من لا يجرؤ على تحمّل مسؤولية أو يجرؤ على الإعتذار أو على نقد ذاتي

لا تنتخب من يعتبر نفسه إلهاً والناس قطيع ولدوا للذبح

BE A LEBANESE, BE A PATRIOT!

THE SMART WIFE!

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.'

TWO WRONGS MAKE ONE RIGHT AND WISE!

FREE SEX MY ASS!! A LEBANESE 5 YEAR FEASIBILITY STUDY (Best Case Senario)

Inflow:
Ta3aruf: $2500 (Dinners $500, Clubbing $500, Gifts to her family $500, Gifts to her $500, Misc $500)
Khotbeh: $3000
Katebet Kteb: $30,000 (Moukadam Sadaka $10,000, Mouakhar Tala2 $ 20,000)
Pre-Marriage: $5000 (Tickets to & From Lebanon $ 2000, Intl. calls $1000, Gifts $2000)
Marriage: $20,000 (Dress, Jewelry, Hotel, F&B, Car, Flowers…)
Honey Moon: $6000
House Rent: $30,000 ($500/m)
Extra Car: $20,000
Extra Mobile: $3000
Clothes: $10,000
F&B: $15,000
Beauty: $47,000 (Hair $24,000, Make-Up & Beauty Products $12000, Nail Bar $6000, Gym$5000)
2 Children: $100,000 (Delivery, Milk, Pampers, Toys, Accommodations, Maid, Nursery, School, Clothes, Gifts, Birthday Parties)
Depreciation: $29,150

Outflow:
Sex: $320650/5 years– 18Months Pregnancy = $7634/Month – 1day PMS – 1 day tired – 1 day you are tired - 1 day she think you don’t love her anymore – 1 day she thinks you are cheating on her, you end up paying $305/Day to get laid with the same woman, and she is never satisfied!!

So tell me now, who the fuck is the smart ass who said that Marriage is SEX for free, for god sake Marriage is SEX with a Headache ya 7abibi so please add a box of Advil or any equivalent /month to your tab and good luck.

TAYYAR AL AOUNI 2009 CAMPAIGN SLOGAN

A HUGE BREAK THROUGH

Scientists finally discovered what's wrong with Michael Aoun's brain:
On the left side there's nothing right, on the right side there's nothing left.

PROUD TO BE LEBANESE!

STATISTICS ABOUT LEBANON

1. Lebanon has 18 religious communities.

2. It has 40 daily newspapers, more than 80 magazines, 10 TV Stations, 17 Radio Stations.

3. It has 42 universities.

4. It has over 100 banks (That is banks and not branches of a bank).

5. 70% of the students are in private schools.

6. 92% of its population own Cellular phone. (The highest percent in the world).

7. Many of the Lebanese people are Christians (The highest percent in all the Arab countries).

8. There's 1 doctor per 10 people in Lebanon (In Europe & America, there's 1 doctor per 100 people).

9. The name LEBANON appears 75 times in the Old Testament.

10. The name CEDAR (Lebanon’s tree) appears 75 times too in the Old Testament!

11. Beirut was destroyed and rebuilt 9 times (this is why it's compared to The Phoenix).

12. There's 4 Million Lebanese in Lebanon.

13. There's around 15 Million Lebanese outside Lebanon!

OTHER INTERESTING FACTS

1. Lebanon, the country, was occupied by over 16 countries: (Egyptians-Hittites-Assyrians- Babylonians- Persians- Alexander the greats Army- the Roman Empire Byzantine- the Arabian Peninsula-The Crusaders- the Ottoman Empire- Britain-France- Israel- Syria).

2. Byblos (city in Lebanon) is the oldest, continuously living city in the world.

3. Lebanon’s name has been around for 4,000 years non- stop (it's the oldest country/ nation's name in the world!)

4. Lebanon is the only Asian country that doesn't have a desert.

5. There are 15 rivers in Lebanon (all of them coming from its own mountains).

6. Lebanon is one of the most populated countries in its archeological sites, in the world!

7. The first alphabet was created in Byblos (city in Lebanon).

8. The only remaining temple of Jupiter (the main Roman god) is in Baalbek, Lebanon (The City of the Sun).

9. The name of BYBLOS comes from the BIBLE!

10. Lebanon is the country that has the most books written about it.

11. Lebanon is the only non-dictatorial country in the Arab world (Yes, we do have a President!)12. Jesus Christ made his 1st miracle in Lebanon, in Qana (The miracle of turning water into wine).

13. The Phoenicians (Original People of Lebanon) built the 1st boat, and they were the first to sail ever!

14. Phoenicians also reached America long before Christopher Columbus did.

15. The 1st law school in the world was built in Lebanon, in Downtown Beirut.

16. People say that the cedars were planted by God's own hands (This is why they're called 'The Cedars of God', and this is why Lebanon is called 'God's Country on Earth.' I love Lebanon..... May God bless my homeland forever....

NEW CAR SEAT BELT

This becomes effective June 1, 2009 in ALL Provinces.
The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly Designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95% when the belt is properly installed. Correct Installation is illustrated below.......

Please advise your family and friends.
This may help save a life!

Laid-Off Foreigners Flee as Dubai Spirals Down

DUBAI, United Arab Emirates — Sofia, a 34-year-old Frenchwoman, moved here a year ago to take a job in advertising, so confident about Dubai’s fast-growing economy that she bought an apartment for almost $300,000 with a 15-year mortgage.

Now, like many of the foreign workers who make up 90 percent of the population here, she has been laid off and faces the prospect of being forced to leave this Persian Gulf city — or worse.

“I’m really scared of what could happen, because I bought property here,” said Sofia, who asked that her last name be withheld because she is still hunting for a new job. “If I can’t pay it off, I was told I could end up in debtors’ prison.”

With Dubai’s economy in free fall, newspapers have reported that more than 3,000 cars sit abandoned in the parking lot at the Dubai Airport, left by fleeing, debt-ridden foreigners (who could in fact be imprisoned if they failed to pay their bills). Some are said to have maxed-out credit cards inside and notes of apology taped to the windshield.

The government says the real number is much lower. But the stories contain at least a grain of truth: jobless people here lose their work visas and then must leave the country within a month. That in turn reduces spending, creates housing vacancies and lowers real estate prices, in a downward spiral that has left parts of Dubai — once hailed as the economic superpower of the Middle East — looking like a ghost town.

No one knows how bad things have become, though it is clear that tens of thousands have left, real estate prices have crashed and scores of Dubai’s major construction projects have been suspended or canceled. But with the government unwilling to provide data, rumors are bound to flourish, damaging confidence and further undermining the economy.

Instead of moving toward greater transparency, the emirates seem to be moving in the other direction. A new draft media law would make it a crime to damage the country’s reputation or economy, punishable by fines of up to 1 million dirhams (about $272,000). Some say it is already having a chilling effect on reporting about the crisis.

Last month, local newspapers reported that Dubai was canceling 1,500 work visas every day, citing unnamed government officials. Asked about the number, Humaid bin Dimas, a spokesman for Dubai’s Labor Ministry, said he would not confirm or deny it and refused to comment further. Some say the true figure is much higher.

“At the moment there is a readiness to believe the worst,” said Simon Williams, HSBC bank’s chief economist in Dubai. “And the limits on data make it difficult to counter the rumors.”
Some things are clear: real estate prices, which rose dramatically during Dubai’s six-year boom, have dropped 30 percent or more over the past two or three months in some parts of the city. Last week, Moody’s Investor’s Service announced that it might downgrade its ratings on six of Dubai’s most prominent state-owned companies, citing deterioration in the economic outlook. So many used luxury cars are for sale, they are sometimes sold for 40 percent less than the asking price two months ago, car dealers say. Dubai’s roads, usually thick with traffic at this time of year, are now mostly clear.

Some analysts say the crisis is likely to have long-lasting effects on the seven-member emirates federation, where Dubai has long played rebellious younger brother to oil-rich and more conservative Abu Dhabi. Dubai officials, swallowing their pride, have made clear that they would be open to a bailout, but so far Abu Dhabi has offered assistance only to its own banks.
“Why is Abu Dhabi allowing its neighbor to have its international reputation trashed, when it could bail out Dubai’s banks and restore confidence?” said Christopher M. Davidson, who predicted the current crisis in “Dubai: The Vulnerability of Success,” a book published last year. “Perhaps the plan is to centralize the U.A.E.” under Abu Dhabi’s control, he mused, in a move that would sharply curtail Dubai’s independence and perhaps change its signature freewheeling style.

For many foreigners, Dubai had seemed at first to be a refuge, relatively insulated from the panic that began hitting the rest of the world last autumn. The Persian Gulf is cushioned by vast oil and gas wealth, and some who lost jobs in New York and London began applying here.
But Dubai, unlike Abu Dhabi or nearby Qatar and Saudi Arabia, does not have its own oil, and had built its reputation on real estate, finance and tourism. Now, many expatriates here talk about Dubai as though it were a con game all along. Lurid rumors spread quickly: the Palm Jumeira, an artificial island that is one of this city’s trademark developments, is said to be sinking, and when you turn the faucets in the hotels built atop it, only cockroaches come out.
“Is it going to get better? They tell you that, but I don’t know what to believe anymore,” said Sofia, who still hopes to find a job before her time runs out. “People are really panicking quickly.”

Hamza Thiab, a 27-year-old Iraqi who moved here from Baghdad in 2005, lost his job with an engineering firm six weeks ago. He has until the end of February to find a job, or he must leave. “I’ve been looking for a new job for three months, and I’ve only had two interviews,” he said. “Before, you used to open up the papers here and see dozens of jobs. The minimum for a civil engineer with four years’ experience used to be 15,000 dirhams a month. Now, the maximum you’ll get is 8,000,” or about $2,000.

Mr. Thiab was sitting in a Costa Coffee Shop in the Ibn Battuta mall, where most of the customers seemed to be single men sitting alone, dolefully drinking coffee at midday. If he fails to find a job, he will have to go to Jordan, where he has family members — Iraq is still too dangerous, he says — though the situation is no better there. Before that, he will have to borrow money from his father to pay off the more than $12,000 he still owes on a bank loan for his Honda Civic. Iraqi friends bought fancier cars and are now, with no job, struggling to sell them.
“Before, so many of us were living a good life here,” Mr. Thiab said. “Now we cannot pay our loans. We are all just sleeping, smoking, drinking coffee and having headaches because of the situation.”

FATAL ATTRACTION

Michel Aoun suspects his wife of cheating on him, sends Jubran Bassil out to buy him a gun. He goes to their furnished apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds her naked in the arms of a 14th of March. Well, now he’s angry. He takes out the gun. But as he does so, he is overcome with grief and points the gun at his own head. The wife yells, "No, honey, don’t do it." "Shut up," he says. "You’re next."

ZOUZOU & THE AOUN FANS

A teacher in Zahle, Lebanon asked her 6th grade class how many of them were AOUN fans.
Not really knowing what a AOUN fan was, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Zouzou.
The teacher asked Little Zouzou why he decided to be different... again.
Little Zouzou said, 'Because I'm not a AOUN fan.
The teacher said, 'Why aren't you a AOUN fan?
Zouzou said, 'Because I'm OUWWET.
The teacher asked why he's OUWWET?
Little Zouzou answered, 'Well, my Mom's OUWWET and my Dad's TOO, so I'm OUWWET
The teacher asks, 'If your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?
With a big smile, Little Zouzou replied, 'That would make me a AOUN fan.

اعرف شخصيتك من ضرطتك Know your personality from your fart

تضرط لوحدك بالحمام = انطوائي  Farting alone in the bathroom = Autistic
تضرط وتعترف = صريح  Farting and confessing = Frank
تحب تشتم ضرطت غيرك = أجتماعي  Fond to smell others’ fart = Social
تحاول تكتم الضرطه = حساس  Trying to muffle or mute your fart = Sensitive
تضرط بصوت عالي = متمكن  Farting loudly = Confident
تضرط وتتهم غيرك = نذل   Farting but accusing someone else = Scoundrel
تضل تضرط فترة طويلة = سخيف  Farting continuously for a long time = Silly
تضرط قدام بنات حلوات = شجاع  Farting in front of cute girls = Brave
تضرط حتى لو عندك اسهال = متهور  Farting when you have diarrhea = Reckless
تضرط و أنت واقف = مسيطر  Farting while standing = In Control
تضرط و أنت مقلص = عنيف  Farting while squirming = Violent
تضرط قدام الوالد = ديمقراطي  Farting in front of your dad = Democratic
تحاول تاخذ وضعية عند الضرطة = غير منصف  Trying to pose during farting = Unjust
تضرط وعندك بواسير = مقرف  Farting while having Piles = Disgusting
تضرط بالامتحان = تريد أتغش  Farting in the exam hall = Cheating
تضرط بمكان مغلق وتخنق الناس = أرهابي  Farting in a close place, suffocating everyone = Terrorist
تضرط بدون صوت = رومانسي  Farting without a sound = Romantic
تحب تشتم ضرطتك = مغرور  Try to smell your own fart = Egotist
تضرط ضرطة متقطعة = خجول  Farting sporadically = Shy
ما يعجبك تضرط = فارغ  You don’t like to fart = Vain

تحاول تضرط بس متعرف = غير متمرس  Trying to fart but you don’t know how = incompetent
تضرط عمداً بالمصعد = لئيم  Farting deliberately in the elevator = Mean

 www.capisho.blogspot.com

عزيزتي المواطنة اللبنانية

لا تجعلي مشاغل الحياة تسرقك من نفسك ومن زوجك، أعيدي الشباب لعلاقتك الزوجية؛ أطفئي أضواء الكهرباء واستقبليه بشمعة في يدك، أزرعي بيتك بالشموع الحمراء والصفراء، أعدّي له عشاء رومانسيا على ضوء الشموع، اطفئي المكيّفات واجعليه يلجأ الى دفء احضانك، اطفئي التلفاز ولا تدعيه يتذرّع بالأخبار، لا تتيحي له مقارنتك بهيفا أو نانسي، استغني عن الميكروويف لتحميه من روائح الطبخ وارحميه من ضجيج الغسالة الكهربائية ولكي تشعريه بقدر من الإهتمام وبمعاناتك من أجله استخدمي المكواة القديمة التي تحمّى على بابور الكاز لكوي ملابسه، عوّديه على المشي معك يداَ بيد في ردهات المنزل وسط الظلام الدامس
مع تحيات كهرباء لبنان

SPINNEYS DOCTOR

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Abul Abed says to Abu Stef behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Abu Stef replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Spinneys. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Abul Abed deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Spinneys. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity it will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Spinneys."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Abul Abed began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from Imel Abed and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Abul Abed hurries back to Spinneys, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Imel Abed is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Spinneys.

Israel Vs Hezbollah

The Difference between Israel (lead by Ehud Olmart) Vs Gaza in Dec 2008 & Hezbollah (lead by Hassan Nasrallah) Vs Lebanon in May 2008 is that:

- Israel killed 1000 enemy in 18 days on an average of 55 Palestinians per day / Hezbollah killed 110 fellow countrymen in 2 days on an average of 55 Lebanese per day.
- Israel‘s purpose was to defend its people and land, Hezbollah’s purpose was to defend its arms and communication land line.
- Both fight on others land.
- Both exist due to religious reasons while both are illegal.
- Both are allies with Qatar, where they resolved their issues.
- Both are minorities on earth and hated by everyone else.
A wise man once said Hezbollah are the same as Israelis. I tell him today that he stands corrected they are even worse than that, for in July 2006 they even helped those Israelis and gave them a reason to kill more than 1000 & Injure more than 3000 Lebanese, Destroy more than 5000 house and building, and dispersed more than 8000 family and yet declared it a victory, But on whom till this day nobody knows! The worst of all is they are destroying Lebanese owned businesses where Lebanese employees work and try to feed their families thinking that in this way they are fighting Zionism, have you ever seen something more stupid!!

جحش الدولة اللبنانية

يبدو أن جحش الدولة "الجنرال" ميشال عون نسي انه لولا تلك التكاسي (التي طلع ونزل منها؛ طاء طيئ؛ على عدد شعرات راسو) ما كان ليركب AIR بشار؛ الذي لطالما حلم به؛ هو والعائلة الكريمة ذهاباً وإياباً إلى مسقط رأسه الفارغ. ولكنه ولاول مرة، فقد صدقت توقعاته، وبتنا الآن نعرف ما هي ال 70% التي زاحنا فيها

ABU ZOUHEIR "ALLOUSH"

HEY THERE KHADIJA

PSYCHO MICHEL AOUN

MEEN AJDAB MIN MEEN!!

Walla ya 2ikhwen shaklo ma 7ada "ajdab" illa hal sha3ib illi ba3do byimshi wara il zo3ama, wil a7zeb, wil adyen.... mitil il khwereef iili ray7een 3al dabbe7. Sha3eb jabbar, bas agallkoun hmar!

YA SHA3BA LUBNAN IL FAZEE3

Dear Poor Aounieh People “Ya Sha3ba Lubnan il miskeen”,
Please watch this video, and complete the following:

Michel Aoun is:

a. Lier / b. Delirious / c. Schizophrenic / d. Stupid / e. Psycho / f. Got Alzheimer / g. All of the above

Bala Me3na!!

New LIVE logo on OTV

Breaking News!

According to reliable sources, the Iranian government has ordered one of its battleships to patrol in the Mediterranean Sea and in the national waters of Lebanon in an act perceived as deterrent to the Americans.  The Iranian Defense Administration ordered this battleship to remain in close proximity to USS Cole to ensure that the Lebanese allies will feel secure and relieved that the American influence will not prevail.  The battleship is named IRN Shkor.
The official confirmed to us that the Lebanese will now have 'Cole W Shkor' available after every meal.
Bon Appetit!

Who's the Lier now!

Hezbollah Call Center

Hello you have reached The Hezbollah Hotline please listen as our options have changed

MAIN MENU
For Hassan Nassrallah Speeches press 1
For Tent City Hotline press 2
For Katyusha Smuggling press 3
For Assassinations press 4
For Presidential Election Blocking press 5
For Martyrdom Applicants press 6
For all other questions please stay on the line??

Welcome to Hassan Nassrallah's SpeechesPlease select from the following options
For all 'Al Mowtou Li Amrika' speeches press 1
For all 'Al Mowtou Li Israeel' speeches press 2
For the best of 'Al Mowtou' speeches press 3
For the 'Divine Victory/ Al Nasr l ilahi speeches press 4
For the 'We will never use our weapons internally propaganda' speeches press 5
For all 'Aoun is our negotiator' speeches press 6
To return to MAIN MENU press ZERO

Welcome to TENT CITY HOTLINE Please select from the following options
If you are calling from Tent City and have not received your weekly wages press 1
If you are a Hezbollah Tent City employee pretending to be a Aouny and would like to get an orange T-Shirt press 2
If you are a Hezbollah Tent City employee and have not had a shower in 3 weeks press 3
If you are not a Hezbollah Operative and would like to apply for a Tent City job please hang up and call the Hezbollah Recruitment Office at 1-800 GO-HIZB
To return to MAIN MENU press ZERO

Welcome to the Hezbollah Katyusha Smuggling DirectoryPlease enter your 8 digit security code located on the bottom of your yellow she77atta
For Syria to Lebanon truck drivers press 1
For Donkey Smuggling / Mountain Guides press 2
For Palestinians Groups looking to fire Katyushas at Israel press 4
To return to MAIN MENU press ZERO

Welcome to the ASSASSINATIONS INQUIRY HOTLINE
For remote control vehicle borne improvised explosive devices VBIED's press 1
For March 14 target list press 2
For surveillance and kill squads in Beirut press 3
For United Nations patrol routes press 4
To return to MAIN MENU press ZERO

Congratulations You Want to Block the Presidential Election Please choose from the following categories
If you are an FPM supporter and would like to see how Hezbollah can help press 1
If you are Wi'am Wahhab press 2
If you are willing to burn tires and demonstrate for money press 3
If you are a disgruntled pro Syrian and would like to bring the Syrians back press 4
If you are a Baathy, Aouny, SSNP, Marada, Karame supporter, or remnant of Syrian Moukhabarat please hold the line and someone will be with you shortly.
To return to MAIN MENU press ZERO

Salam 3alaykum you have pressed the #6, we congratulate you on choosing Martyrdom for the sake of the UMMA Please choose from the following Menu
If you are looking for 73 virgins press 1
If are looking for 73 virgins but cannot count that high, press 2
If you are Gay and are wondering if you get 73 virgin boys press 3
If you would like to record a martyrdom video press 4
If you would like to visit Abu Ali's barber shop before you get your Martyr Poster taken press 5

Michel Aoun & Hassan Nasrallah ( Romeo & Juliet ) Love at first sight now on DVD.

شر البليـّة ما يضحك

سمكة من لبنان
يروى أن صياداً عاد إلى زوجته وهو يحمل سمكة كبيرةطالباً منها أن تقليها في الزيت فاعتذرت له الزوجة لأنها لا تملك زيتاًبسبب ارتفاع سعر الزيت فطلب منها الصياد أن تشويهافاعتذرت له بسبب عدم وجود فحم وارتفاع سعر أنبوبة الغاز في الأسواقفطلب منها أن تطبخها مع الصلصة فلما علم أن سعر كيلو الطماطم قد وصل إلى دولارأخذ السمكة وألقاها غاضباً في البحر مرة أخرى فهتفت السمكة وهي في الماء
يعيش السيد حسن
يعيش ، يعيش ، يعيش

Lebanese President

When Sheikh Amine Jemayel was elected president we discovered that Lebanon could be ruled by anyone. When he left it for General Michel Aoun we discovered that Lebanon could be ruled by anyone, even a mentally retarded. When (ra7amaho Allah) Mr. Elias Heraweh was announced we knew that Lebanon could be ruled by anyone mentally or physically retarded. Finally we became 100% sure after 9 years of Lahoud’s posing as president, that Lebanon doesn’t need a president at all.

Truck for Sale

BEER CONTAINS FEMALE HORMONES

Last month, National University of London, England scientists released the results of a recent study that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough bee!!!urn into women.
To test this theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects?
1) Argued over nothing
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong
3) Gained weight
4) Talked excessively without making sense
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn’t drive
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating
No further testing was considered necessary!!!.

Shaker el Absi Vs Michel Aoun

- Shaker El Absi fought till the last minute, while Michel Aoun surrendered in the very beginning.
- Shaker El Absi made sure to check his wife and kids are safe before worrying about himself, while Michel Aoun ran away and left his family behind.
- Shaker El Absi tried to escape with all his fighters and died with them, while Michel Aoun escaped for himself, and left them fighting and dying alone.
All the above and Shaker El Absi is a terrorist, while Michel Aoun was the Prime Minister & Commander in Chief of the Lebanese Army!

Lebanese in Hell

The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said "I have to talk to you. We have some Lebanese up here in heaven that are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabanas instead of their white robes, their riding BMW's instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discount prices. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway eating sunflower and watermelon seeds and smoking arguileh. Some of them are walking around with just one wing!" The Lord said, "Lebanese are Lebanese. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the devil." The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Damn, hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "OK I'm back. What can I do for you?"Gabriel replied, "I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there."The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?" Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said, "Man I don't believe this.......Hold on."This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those damn Lebanese have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning!!!

Syrian Intelligence

القت المخابرات السورية القبض على مواطنين سوريين، (بعد إعلان نتائج الإنتخبات الرئاسية في سوريا، وبعد الفوز المفاجئ للرئيس بشار الاسد حفظه الله). وكما صرح المتحدث الرسمي للرئاسة فقد كانا يدبكان في احد الإحتفالات ولاكن ليس من قلبهم.

MAN WITHOUT AN EMAIL

A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test. "You are employed" he said. "Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start". The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email." "I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with $60.The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go every day earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US. He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chose aprotection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked himhis email. The man replied, "I don't have an email". The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"The man thought for a while and replied, “Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"Moral of the story: M1- Internet /email is not the solution to your life.M2- If you don't have internet / email, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.M3- If you received this message by email, you are probably already an office boy/girl, and not any close to being a Billionaire...
Have a great day!!!P.S - Do not forward this email back to me, I' m closing my email & going to sell tomatoes!!!

ZULULU HATTALMAOUT

GHOST CAR

جرت احداث هذه القصه في بلده صغيره قرب مدينة موسكو الروسية حتى ولو بدت احداث هذه القصه كقصص الخيال لكنها حقيقيه هذا رجل كان واقفا على جانب الطريق ينتظر ان توصله سياره عابرةفهو يريد الذهاب للبلده المجاوره في ليلة شديدة الظلام في وسط العاصفه الليل مر ببطء ولم تمر هذه السيارة عابره مرت ساعات وساعات وهو واقف كانت العاصفة شديده والليل حالك لم يكن يستطيع ان يرى مكان قدميه اخيرا وبعد طول أنتظار مرت سيارة تسير ببطء كانها شبح شبابيكها سوداء خرجت من خلف الظلام وبلا أضواء مرت ببطء متجهة اليه حتى توقفت أمامه ركب الرجل داخل السيارة واغلق الباب مبتسما فجأة شاهد مالم يتوقعه ابدا لا يوجد سائق لهذه السياره السيارة بدأت تتحرك ببطء مرة اخرى بدأ الرعب يدب في قلب الرجل وبدأت السياره تسرع قليلا اقتربت السياره من منعطف خطير جدا الرجل بدا يدعو ربه من اجل البقاء على قيد الحياة لا محالة السياره سوف تخرج عن الطريق وسوف يواجه الموت ! فجأه قبل المنعطف بقليل دخلت يد من النافذه وامسكت الدركسيون وقادت السياره عبر المنعطف بأمان اصبح الرجل فرحا مع بقاء الخوف والرهبه في داخل قلبه الرجل اصبح يرى اليد تدخل من النافذة مرات عدة كلما وصلوا إلى احد المنعطفات اخيرا قرر الرجل الهروب من السياره ففتح باب السيارة وقفز منها ولاذ بالفرار وذهب الى اقرب بلده وكان مبتلا وفزعا ذهب الى احد البارات وبدأ يخبر قصته المخيفه والمرعبه للجميع بعدما تأكدوا من هيئته انه غير سكران او ناقص العقل وكان الجميع ينصت للقصه في اثناء ذلك وبعد حوالي نصف ساعه دخل رجلان الى نفس البار وعندما شاهدوا الشخص المرعوب قال احدهما للاخر
مو هاد الاهبل يلي ركب بالسيارة ونحنا عم ندفشها

Vote Abul Meesh

A woman skiing in Faraya fell down on her butt and couldn’t stand up. For a couple of minutes people where passing by, but nobody helped or even bothered to ask if she was OK. Until Michelle Aoun was passing by so he stopped and helped her up and made sure that she was ok (Insen 3azeem Abul Meesh). She was so grateful and wanted to return the favor, so she asked him what she could do for him in return. He refused for a minute but she insisted, “well” said Aoun you could vote for me the coming elections? Well the woman paused for a second, looked at him with a surprised face, and said: Mr. Aoun “habibi inta” I only fell on my butt not on my head, good day!

Aouni Chicken

واحد عوني راح يشتري دجاجة
العوني: بدي شي دجاجة ع زوقك
ألبائع: بدك ياها قوات او عونية؟
العوني: اكيد عونية، ولو
بعد دقائق من التفتيش
ألبائع: هيدي دجاجة عونية يا إستاز
العوني: شكراًً، بس كيف عرفتا انا عونية؟
ألبائع: كلَون كانوا عم ياكلوا حبوب اللا هيدي كانت عم تاكل خرا

A Saudi being interviewed at the US Embassy for Visa....

COUNSEL: "Your name, please"?
SAUDI : "Salem".
COUNSEL: "Sex?"
SAUDI : "Always".
COUNSEL: "I mean male or female?"
SAUDI : "Both male & female and sometimes camels".
COUNSEL: "Holy cow!"
SAUDI : "Yes, cows too".
COUNSEL: "Sir, isn't that hostile?"
SAUDI : "Horse Style, dog style, any style!
COUNSEL: "Oh dear!"
SAUDI : "Deer!! No deer, they run fast."

HOW TO GET A JOB? THE LEBANESE WAY

Bill Gates decides to organize an enormous session of recruitment for a new chairman for Microsoft Europe. The 5000 candidates are all assembled in a large room. One of the candidates is Fadi Khoury, a Lebanese guy Bill Gates thanks all the candidates for coming and asks that all those who do not know JAVA program language rise and leave.2000 people rise and leave the room. Fadi Khoury says to himself - "I do not know this language but what have I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try".Bill Gates asks all the candidates that those who have never had experience of team management of more than 100 people rise and leave. 2000 people rise and leave the room. Fadi Khoury says to himself - "I have never managed anybody but myself but what have I got to lose if I stay?What can happen to me"? So he stays. Then Bill Gates asks all the candidates who do not have excellent management diplomas to rise and leave. 500 people rise and leave the room.Fadi Khoury says to himself - "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose if I stay? So he stays in the room.Lastly, Bill Gates asks all of the candidates who do not speak the Serbo-Croat language to rise and leave. 498 people rise and leave the room. Fadi Khoury says himself - "I do not speak Serbo-Croat but what the "Hell! - Have I got anything to lose?" So he stays in the room. He finds himself alone with one other candidate - everyone else has gone. Bill Gates joins them and says: "Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croatian, so I'd now like to hear you both have a little conversation in that language!Calmly Fadi turns to the other candidate and says to him: "Keifak ya eir"...The other candidate answers: "Kol khara ya manyouk……"

Bad Day!

If you’re having a bad day, just imagin this:
You’re a Siamese Twin.
Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay.
You’re not.
He has a date coming over tonight.
You only have one ass.

MISS POSITIONING

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little Girl stopped beside him on her shiny new bike.Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you " "Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you " "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.

قرد لم تعرفه الطبيعة

How does General Aoun commit suicide?

He jumps from the level of his ego to the level of his I.Q.

ABADAYAT IL TAYYAR

IN THE YEAR 2008

AND WE THOUGHT LAHOUD WAS STUPID

AOUN & TECHNOLOGY

THE ORANGE DISEASE

SAMIRA'S BROTHER

A car accident occurs in Hamra Street; each driver goes down and starts shouting and they start beating each others. Suddenly, one of the drivers stops and looks at the other and says: lahza, ana wein sheyfak??? enta ... enta mesh khayya la Samira el sharmouta??? So, the supposedly brother of Samira starts beating the other once again... They take him to the Hbeish... there the officer asks him what happened… While he was telling the story, the officer asks him: lahza, ana wein sheyfak??? enta ... enta mesh khayya la Samirael sharmouta??? So, the supposedly brother of Samira starts beating the officer. They take him to the Ministery of Justice; there, the Minister asks him what happened... while telling the story, Minister Looks at him and says: lahza, ana wein sheyfak??? enta ... enta mesh khayya la Samira el sharmouta??? So, the supposedly brother of Samira starts beating the Minister...
They take him to the Palace... There, he meets Lahhoud; while telling his story, Lahhoud interrupts him and says: lahza, ana wein sheyfak??? enta ... enta mesh khayya la Samirael sharmouta??? So, the supposedly brother of Samira starts beating the President... They take him to Syria... last chance for him There, Bashar meets him: "they told me you completely lost your mind and dared beating the Lebanese President..." The man starts again telling his story when Bashar looks at him and says: Lahza, ana sheyfak... enta ... enta... enta kent bil mouzahara maa 14 azar.... bel down town... enta men tayyar Lmostakbal?
The man answers: la sidna, la.... ana khayya la Samira el sharmouta......

A LETTER WRITTEN BY A JUNKIE TO ZAVEN

(THE FAMOUS TALK SHOW 'SIRI WIN FATAHETT')
Dear Zaven,
I am a crack dealer in Basta who has recently been diagnosed as carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in the suburb of Beirut (al-Dahiyeh) and one of my sisters, who live in Jounieh, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana in their small garden and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are prostitutes in Maameltein.I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Roumieh for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Trablos Jail on charges of neglecting his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Jiyeh and, indeed, is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel.
My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my uncle who voted for Michel Aoun?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

IRAN = ?

TAYYAR EDUCATION SYSTEM

TEEZ MEEN?

Wain kint?, w ma3 meen kint?, w shu kint lebis?

THE TROIKA

What’s common between the three?

- All were born poor.
- All lived in a bad environment.
- All are totalitarians.
- All look stupid in the half mustache.
- All made wars and are willing to make wars without asking the others.
- All are willing to eliminate the other.
- All are willing to sell there mothers for a chair.
- All have psychic history.
- And soon both will end the same way Hitler did.

Where will al-tayyar al-Aouni be in 2007?

Guess and win a place for two in the tayyar.
Here is the information you could use to solve the riddle.

Fall 1988: Aoun is an ally with his Christian brothers The Lebanese forces (Al-Tahalof Al-Masihi)
Spring 1989: Aoun is killing his Christian brothers The Lebanese Forces (Harb al ilghae)
March 1989: Aoun is killing his enemies The Syrians (Harb el Tahrir)
Oct 1990: Aoun is kicked by Salim el Hoss, and Syrians out of Lebanon (Al Tat-heer)
1991 – 2005: Aoun against Syrian existence in Lebanon, any other arms than the Lebanese arms, against Hizbullah & al Mukawama al Islamiah, against Emile Lahhoud, Omar Karameh, and nabih birri, against all Syrian alliances (Talal Arislan, Michelle el-Murr, & Sleiman Frangieh), allies with Saddam Husein, Clinton, Bush, 14th of March and 1559.
February 2006: Aoun is against 1559, 14th of March and the USA, Allies with Syria, Syrian alliances (Talal Arislan, Michelle al-Murr, Sleiman Frangieh, Omar Karameh, Hizbullah [Madhoush bi tizon] & Salim el Hoss) with Al Mukawama arms, and any one who can put him in Baabda at least one day before he dies so he can get back the money he stole from the Lebanese government and stashed in the palace but since he ran out with only his blue strips pajamas on and it didn’t have any pockets he couldn’t take any of it.

n.b.: Iza kiss immak alleb, ma rah tekol jalleb ya General, khidlak rakzeh abel ma tmout ya 3akrout.

HASSAN NASRALLAH HONORING

Due to his Patriotism and Nobility, the Lebanese Government will honor Mr. Hassan Nasrallah by dedicating a Lebanese bridge and river after his name: Naher El-Kalb and Jisr El-Wati.

YA MAHASIN IL SODAF

A MIRACLE IN DOWNTOWN

A miracle happened yesterday Dec. 5, 2006 at 12:36 P.M. in Downtown Riad el-Solh square when according to witnesses, the statue of Sheikh Riad El-Solh first Prime Minister of Lebanon (1943–1945), turned his back to the square and raised his hand over his face in disgust, covering his mouth and closing his nose.
Later the same day a man was caught trying to throw a perfume bomb on the protestors.

RIAD EL-SOLH ZOO

LEBANON INVOICE

EL TALEM IL A3WAG MIN EL TAWR LIKBEER

Baby Condom

A Doctor's Phone Rang at home at Three o'clock in the morning, Sleepily he answered "Hello?" A very frantic woman said, "Doctor, our baby just swallowed a condom." The Doctor said, "I am coming and will see what I can do." He started putting on his clothes and was just getting ready to walk out the door, when the phone rang again. He answered "Hello?" A very calm voice on the other end of the line said, "That's alright Doctor, we found another one, never mind."

YOU'RE ALL THE SAME

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here." The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

5 MILLION $ PICTURE

لبنانيا مسيحيا هدم منزله بسبب القصف الاسرائيلي ولم يجد من اغراض بيته الا صورة «المسيح مصلوبا» وقد تحطم اطارها، فأخذها وذهب إلى «سعد الحريري» قائلا.. «يا استاذ، ما فضل من بيتي الا صورة سيدنا.. هيدا»، فأعطاه «الحريري» مائة الف دولار ليرمم بيته! سمع جاره اللبناني الشيعي - بالحكاية، فأخذ صورة السيد «حسن نصرالله» وذهب بها إلى «الحريري» قائلا.. «يا استاذ.. ما فضل من بيتي إلا صورة.. سيدنا»، فأعطاه الحريري.. عشرة آلاف دولار فقط، فاستغرب الرجل وقال.. «بس انت عطيت جاري المسيحي مائة الف دولار»، فرد عليه «سعد» قائلا.. «ايوه، كلامك مزبوط، بس هو جابلي صورة السيد.. تبعه وهو.. مصلوب»!! روح جيب صورة سيدك مصلوب وأنا أعطيك خمسة ملايين دولار !!!!!....

HARIT KILL MEEN IDO ILO

JEW BLOOD

An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally, a Jew was located who had similar type of the blood who willingly donated his blood to the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank you card for giving his blood along with an expensive piece of diamond and a new Rolls Royce car as a token of his appreciation. Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again. His doctors telephoned the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank you card and a jar of Almond Roca sweets. The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate much the Jew's kind gesture as he has done previously. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not so generous manner. The Arab replied "Ya habibi, I have Jewish blood now, remember..!?"

10 Reasons why Lebanese cannot hijack a plane

1. We are always late; we would have missed all the flights.
2. The pretty girls on the plane would distract us.
3. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves.
4. With food and drinks on the plane, we would forget why we're there.
5. We talk with our hands; therefore we would have to put our weapons down.
6. We would ALL want to fly the plane.
7. We would argue and start a fight in the plane.
8. We can't keep a secret; we would have told everyone a week before doing it.
9. We would all have fallen over each other to be in the photograph being taken by one of the hostages.
10. We would have put our country's flag on the windshield.

Dear John,

Dear Mr. his Excellency General Michel Aoun, i heard you are searching for a place for your next supporters gathering, and you want the size of the place to be enough for your crowd. Well Mr. his Excellency General Michel Aoun, my bathroom is under your command, be free to use it at any time, you will be more than welcome specially that we added a new latrine lately. Your alliances will love the place.

WE WILL ARRIVE

TO GENERAL AOUN

1. We supported you when you launched your military campaigns2. We defended you when you were in exile3. We hailed you during our Cedar Revolution4. We cheered you the day of your return5. We voted for you in the parliamentary elections
We find out now that:
1. You learned nothing from your mistakes2. You allied yourself with the worst rogue politicians3. You played politics as lousily as you lead your troops on the battlefield4. You belittled our Cedar Revolution's dreams and aspirations5. You diverted our support to serve your personal ambitions
Your actions, willingly or unwillingly:
1. Left the insolent Emile Lahoud in Baabda2. Emboldened Hizbollah in his catastrophic agenda3. Insulted the memory of Rafik, Samir, Gibran and all the independence martyrs4. Reinforced Syria's bullying on Lebanon
Because our deception is as high as the hopes we had placed in you,Because, as for all politicians, you must be held accountable to the people and to your electorate,Because we still have a small hope that you will see this as a warning and will change course,
We wish to cry out loud to our fellow citizens and to the world:
PLEASE FORGIVE ME, I VOTED FOR AOUN

WISE ROBOT

A man walks into a pub and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him:
"What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and the Kama Sutra.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool".
He decides to test the robot.
He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him:
"What's your IQ?" The man responds, "About a 100". Immediately the robot starts talking about Basket ball, supermodels, shooting, beer and women's breasts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns.
The robot asks: "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think".
The robot serves him orange juice and says... REAL slowly:
"So............... You're gonna vote for Michel Aoun again?"

ABSOLUT DESTRUCTION

New Aoun ID

يوم أطلّ عون مزهوّاً

المستقبل - الثلاثاء 5 أيلول 2006 - العدد 2377 -

يطل النائب ميشال عون على اللبنانيين مطالباً بالتحقيق مع وزير الداخلية بالوكالة أحمد فتفت بالاستناد الى مسؤوليته عن ثكنة مرجعيون التي أخلتها القوة الأمنية المشتركة بعد احتلالها من جيش العدو الإسرائيلي.إلا أن اللافت للاهتمام ظهور العماد ميشال عون الثائر غضباً على الوزير فتفت والقوة الأمنية في مرجعيون، عام 1982، وبعد حوالي أربعة أشهر من المآسي والمجازر التي ألحقها الحصار الإسرائيلي في بيروت، مزهواً بالمصافحة الحميمة بين ممثل عن قيادة الجيش وبين قائد وحدات الاحتلال الإسرائيلي التي أشرفت على حصار بيروت كجزء من اجتياح لبنان وقتل أبنائه قصفاً وغارات وقنصاً وتجويعاً.وقد ظهر في الصورة التي خلّدها كتاب "حمائم الحرب" للزميل ستافرو جبرا، اللواء عصام أبو جمرا الذي رشحه العماد عون، أخيراً لتسلم حقيبة وزارة العدل.وفي هجومه على الوزير فتفت قال عون بصوت عالٍ على شاشة "اي.ان.بي" إن التحقيق في قضية ثكنة مرجعيون لا يموت بانقضاء عشر سنوات وهو يقع في خانة الجنايات.وفي حيثيات الصورة التي تنشرها "المستقبل" يرتسم سؤال عما إذا كان حبور العماد عون يمحو معانيه الوطنية مرور الزمن على الحدث.. وعلى الذاكرة الوطنية.

DIVORCE CASE

A man and his wife were in the court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumping up and down said: Your Honor'. I brought the child into the world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody.The judge turns to the husband and says ' What do you have to say in your defense? The man sat for a while contemplating... then slowly rose. 'You’re Honor'. If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out... whose Pepsi is it ... the machines or mine??????

NO POLITICS

Abu El Abed went once to a hairdresser for a haircut. Abu El Abed tried to start a conversation with the people while waiting.
Abu El Abed: "Did you hear what Joumblatt said today?"
Barber: "Allah Ykhallik, ma badna seeyasee bi hal mahal".
After a few minutes
Abu El Abed: "Do you know how the dollar is doing today?"
Barber: "Allah Ykhallik, ma badna haki al dollar wel lira bi hal mahal"
few minutes later
Abu El Abed: "Tayyeb feena nehke Sex?"
Barber: Sure Abu El Abed: "eh ayre feek wou bi hal mahal."

GENIE IN A BOTTLE

A couple decides to go golfing at the best golf course in their state. While playing, the husband tells his wife to be very careful, as there were many houses along the golf course. But the wife swings her club and the ball smashes through one of the glasses of the biggest house on the course. So the husband and wife decided to go and apologize to the owner of the house. When they reached the house they found a glass bottle lying on the floor broken into hundreds of pieces. They found an old man sitting in his rocking chair and greeted the couple inside. He said, "I am a genie and I would like to thank you for breaking me free from this bottle. I would like to grant you 2 wishes, but the 3rd wish is mine." So the husband says "I want a private aircraft for myself." The wife said she would like a house in every single country. The genie says for the past 200 years he has never had sex and would like to make love to the lady. So they both agree and the genie takes the lady up and begins having sex. Then he asks the lady "How old is your husband?" She replies "47." "And he still believes in genies?"

THE AXE EFFECT

Al-WA3ED AL-KAZEB

ANSWERS NEEDED???

According to Hizbullah What is:

Al Karameh:

Al Naser:

DAHIEH TODAY

ISRAELI CHECKLIST

AL-WA3ED AL-SADEK

Now in a theater near you
ALWA3ED AL SADEK

-A film by Bashar Asad
-Directed by Hassan Nasrallah
-Produced by Iran Films

Synopsis:

Hezbollah decides to free three hostages from Israel, they fuck a whole country’s economy, destroys it’s infra structure and kills in it’s first day more than 45 innocent Lebanese and still counting, who I guess are less important than Samir Al-Kontar who’s mother is happy now.

So Mr. Samir and his friends beware that when you come back home if you were stupid enough to do (ma mitit ma shifit meen mat) there will be at least 45 dead man on your conscience.

SIB7AN ILLI BI GHAYIR MA BYITGHAYAR

TAXI DRIVER

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: "Look mate,don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me! The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a mortuary van for the last 25 years."

AIRBAGS

For Sale

LUCKY BEGGAR

A husband comes back home to find a beggar in his bed screwing his wife. The man asks his wife what the hell is happening, the wife answers “the poor man came asking if there is something you are not using I can give him”.

THE AOUN FAMILY ISSUES

Both Micheal & Cris thinks that they:

- Have 90% of the audience, but they are nominees.
- Are the best, but want to be on top by force.
- Are smart enough to do things and think that no body noticed.
- Are so innocent, yet every body is jealous and hates them.