إخت هل زمن

Two ladies, 1 from Ashrafieh, and 1 from Mazraa were having their morning coffee. The first one is with “AOUN”, and the second one is with “FUTURE”.The "Aoun" lady told her friend: "My son, now, hates everything related to the blue color. He refuses to wear his blue t-shirts, his blue swimming suit, and also he refuses to go to the sea because it’s blue or even look to the sky".
So the "Future" lady asked her: "Does he like the brown color?” She answered: "Yes" Then the "Future" lady replied: "Eh khali, yekol khara”!!!!

Two Aouni businessmen in Kiserwen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot Kuwatjy is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling. No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Kuwatjy walked to the window, had a peek, and asked 'What you sell?'One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes'. Without skipping a beat, the Kuwatjy said, 'You are doing very well, only two left!'

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.'

Inflow:
Ta3aruf: $2500 (Dinners $500, Clubbing $500, Gifts to her family $500, Gifts to her $500, Misc $500)
Khotbeh: $3000
Katebet Kteb: $30,000 (Moukadam Sadaka $10,000, Mouakhar Tala2 $ 20,000)
Pre-Marriage: $5000 (Tickets to & From Lebanon $ 2000, Intl. calls $1000, Gifts $2000)
Marriage: $20,000 (Dress, Jewelry, Hotel, F&B, Car, Flowers…)
Honey Moon: $6000
House Rent: $30,000 ($500/m)
Extra Car: $20,000
Extra Mobile: $3000
Clothes: $10,000
F&B: $15,000
Beauty: $47,000 (Hair $24,000, Make-Up & Beauty Products $12000, Nail Bar $6000, Gym$5000)
2 Children: $100,000 (Delivery, Milk, Pampers, Toys, Accommodations, Maid, Nursery, School, Clothes, Gifts, Birthday Parties)
Depreciation: $29,150

Outflow:
Sex: $320650/5 years– 18Months Pregnancy = $7634/Month – 1day PMS – 1 day tired – 1 day you are tired - 1 day she think you don’t love her anymore – 1 day she thinks you are cheating on her, you end up paying $305/Day to get laid with the same woman, and she is never satisfied!!

So tell me now, who the fuck is the smart ass who said that Marriage is SEX for free, for god sake Marriage is SEX with a Headache ya 7abibi so please add a box of Advil or any equivalent /month to your tab and good luck.

Scientists finally discovered what's wrong with Michael Aoun's brain:
On the left side there's nothing right, on the right side there's nothing left.

STATISTICS ABOUT LEBANON

1. Lebanon has 18 religious communities.

2. It has 40 daily newspapers, more than 80 magazines, 10 TV Stations, 17 Radio Stations.

3. It has 42 universities.

4. It has over 100 banks (That is banks and not branches of a bank).

5. 70% of the students are in private schools.

6. 92% of its population own Cellular phone. (The highest percent in the world).

7. Many of the Lebanese people are Christians (The highest percent in all the Arab countries).

8. There's 1 doctor per 10 people in Lebanon (In Europe & America, there's 1 doctor per 100 people).

9. The name LEBANON appears 75 times in the Old Testament.

10. The name CEDAR (Lebanon’s tree) appears 75 times too in the Old Testament!

11. Beirut was destroyed and rebuilt 9 times (this is why it's compared to The Phoenix).

12. There's 4 Million Lebanese in Lebanon.

13. There's around 15 Million Lebanese outside Lebanon!

OTHER INTERESTING FACTS

1. Lebanon, the country, was occupied by over 16 countries: (Egyptians-Hittites-Assyrians- Babylonians- Persians- Alexander the greats Army- the Roman Empire Byzantine- the Arabian Peninsula-The Crusaders- the Ottoman Empire- Britain-France- Israel- Syria).

2. Byblos (city in Lebanon) is the oldest, continuously living city in the world.

3. Lebanon’s name has been around for 4,000 years non- stop (it's the oldest country/ nation's name in the world!)

4. Lebanon is the only Asian country that doesn't have a desert.

5. There are 15 rivers in Lebanon (all of them coming from its own mountains).

6. Lebanon is one of the most populated countries in its archeological sites, in the world!

7. The first alphabet was created in Byblos (city in Lebanon).

8. The only remaining temple of Jupiter (the main Roman god) is in Baalbek, Lebanon (The City of the Sun).

9. The name of BYBLOS comes from the BIBLE!

10. Lebanon is the country that has the most books written about it.

11. Lebanon is the only non-dictatorial country in the Arab world (Yes, we do have a President!)12. Jesus Christ made his 1st miracle in Lebanon, in Qana (The miracle of turning water into wine).

13. The Phoenicians (Original People of Lebanon) built the 1st boat, and they were the first to sail ever!

14. Phoenicians also reached America long before Christopher Columbus did.

15. The 1st law school in the world was built in Lebanon, in Downtown Beirut.

16. People say that the cedars were planted by God's own hands (This is why they're called 'The Cedars of God', and this is why Lebanon is called 'God's Country on Earth.' I love Lebanon..... May God bless my homeland forever....

This becomes effective June 1, 2009 in ALL Provinces.
The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly Designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95% when the belt is properly installed. Correct Installation is illustrated below.......

Please advise your family and friends.
This may help save a life!

DUBAI, United Arab Emirates — Sofia, a 34-year-old Frenchwoman, moved here a year ago to take a job in advertising, so confident about Dubai’s fast-growing economy that she bought an apartment for almost $300,000 with a 15-year mortgage.

Now, like many of the foreign workers who make up 90 percent of the population here, she has been laid off and faces the prospect of being forced to leave this Persian Gulf city — or worse.

“I’m really scared of what could happen, because I bought property here,” said Sofia, who asked that her last name be withheld because she is still hunting for a new job. “If I can’t pay it off, I was told I could end up in debtors’ prison.”

With Dubai’s economy in free fall, newspapers have reported that more than 3,000 cars sit abandoned in the parking lot at the Dubai Airport, left by fleeing, debt-ridden foreigners (who could in fact be imprisoned if they failed to pay their bills). Some are said to have maxed-out credit cards inside and notes of apology taped to the windshield.

The government says the real number is much lower. But the stories contain at least a grain of truth: jobless people here lose their work visas and then must leave the country within a month. That in turn reduces spending, creates housing vacancies and lowers real estate prices, in a downward spiral that has left parts of Dubai — once hailed as the economic superpower of the Middle East — looking like a ghost town.

No one knows how bad things have become, though it is clear that tens of thousands have left, real estate prices have crashed and scores of Dubai’s major construction projects have been suspended or canceled. But with the government unwilling to provide data, rumors are bound to flourish, damaging confidence and further undermining the economy.

Instead of moving toward greater transparency, the emirates seem to be moving in the other direction. A new draft media law would make it a crime to damage the country’s reputation or economy, punishable by fines of up to 1 million dirhams (about $272,000). Some say it is already having a chilling effect on reporting about the crisis.

Last month, local newspapers reported that Dubai was canceling 1,500 work visas every day, citing unnamed government officials. Asked about the number, Humaid bin Dimas, a spokesman for Dubai’s Labor Ministry, said he would not confirm or deny it and refused to comment further. Some say the true figure is much higher.

“At the moment there is a readiness to believe the worst,” said Simon Williams, HSBC bank’s chief economist in Dubai. “And the limits on data make it difficult to counter the rumors.”
Some things are clear: real estate prices, which rose dramatically during Dubai’s six-year boom, have dropped 30 percent or more over the past two or three months in some parts of the city. Last week, Moody’s Investor’s Service announced that it might downgrade its ratings on six of Dubai’s most prominent state-owned companies, citing deterioration in the economic outlook. So many used luxury cars are for sale, they are sometimes sold for 40 percent less than the asking price two months ago, car dealers say. Dubai’s roads, usually thick with traffic at this time of year, are now mostly clear.

Some analysts say the crisis is likely to have long-lasting effects on the seven-member emirates federation, where Dubai has long played rebellious younger brother to oil-rich and more conservative Abu Dhabi. Dubai officials, swallowing their pride, have made clear that they would be open to a bailout, but so far Abu Dhabi has offered assistance only to its own banks.
“Why is Abu Dhabi allowing its neighbor to have its international reputation trashed, when it could bail out Dubai’s banks and restore confidence?” said Christopher M. Davidson, who predicted the current crisis in “Dubai: The Vulnerability of Success,” a book published last year. “Perhaps the plan is to centralize the U.A.E.” under Abu Dhabi’s control, he mused, in a move that would sharply curtail Dubai’s independence and perhaps change its signature freewheeling style.

For many foreigners, Dubai had seemed at first to be a refuge, relatively insulated from the panic that began hitting the rest of the world last autumn. The Persian Gulf is cushioned by vast oil and gas wealth, and some who lost jobs in New York and London began applying here.
But Dubai, unlike Abu Dhabi or nearby Qatar and Saudi Arabia, does not have its own oil, and had built its reputation on real estate, finance and tourism. Now, many expatriates here talk about Dubai as though it were a con game all along. Lurid rumors spread quickly: the Palm Jumeira, an artificial island that is one of this city’s trademark developments, is said to be sinking, and when you turn the faucets in the hotels built atop it, only cockroaches come out.
“Is it going to get better? They tell you that, but I don’t know what to believe anymore,” said Sofia, who still hopes to find a job before her time runs out. “People are really panicking quickly.”

Hamza Thiab, a 27-year-old Iraqi who moved here from Baghdad in 2005, lost his job with an engineering firm six weeks ago. He has until the end of February to find a job, or he must leave. “I’ve been looking for a new job for three months, and I’ve only had two interviews,” he said. “Before, you used to open up the papers here and see dozens of jobs. The minimum for a civil engineer with four years’ experience used to be 15,000 dirhams a month. Now, the maximum you’ll get is 8,000,” or about $2,000.

Mr. Thiab was sitting in a Costa Coffee Shop in the Ibn Battuta mall, where most of the customers seemed to be single men sitting alone, dolefully drinking coffee at midday. If he fails to find a job, he will have to go to Jordan, where he has family members — Iraq is still too dangerous, he says — though the situation is no better there. Before that, he will have to borrow money from his father to pay off the more than $12,000 he still owes on a bank loan for his Honda Civic. Iraqi friends bought fancier cars and are now, with no job, struggling to sell them.
“Before, so many of us were living a good life here,” Mr. Thiab said. “Now we cannot pay our loans. We are all just sleeping, smoking, drinking coffee and having headaches because of the situation.”

Michel Aoun suspects his wife of cheating on him, sends Jubran Bassil out to buy him a gun. He goes to their furnished apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds her naked in the arms of a 14th of March. Well, now he’s angry. He takes out the gun. But as he does so, he is overcome with grief and points the gun at his own head. The wife yells, "No, honey, don’t do it." "Shut up," he says. "You’re next."

A teacher in Zahle, Lebanon asked her 6th grade class how many of them were AOUN fans.
Not really knowing what a AOUN fan was, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Zouzou.
The teacher asked Little Zouzou why he decided to be different... again.
Little Zouzou said, 'Because I'm not a AOUN fan.
The teacher said, 'Why aren't you a AOUN fan?
Zouzou said, 'Because I'm OUWWET.
The teacher asked why he's OUWWET?
Little Zouzou answered, 'Well, my Mom's OUWWET and my Dad's TOO, so I'm OUWWET
The teacher asks, 'If your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?
With a big smile, Little Zouzou replied, 'That would make me a AOUN fan.

تضرط لوحدك بالحمام = انطوائي
تضرط وتعترف = صريح
تحب تشتم ضرطت غيرك = أجتماعي
تحاول تكتم الضرطه = حساس
تضرط بصوت عالي = متمكن
تضرط وتتهم غيرك = نذل
تضل تضرط فترة طويلة = سخيف
تضرط قدام بنات حلوات = شجاع
تضرط حتى لو عندك اسهال = متهور
تضرط و أنت واقف = مسيطر
تضرط و أنت مقلص = عنيف
تضرط قدام الوالد = ديمقراطي
تحاول تاخذ وضعية عند الضرطة = غير منصف
تضرط وعندك بواسير = مقرف
تضرط بالامتحان = تريد أتغش
تضرط بمكان مغلق وتخنق الناس = أرهابي
تضرط بدون صوت = رومانسي
تحب تشتم ضرطتك = مغرور
تضرط ضرطة متقطعة = خجول
ما يعجبك تضرط = فارغ
تحاول تضرط بس متعرف = غير متمرس
تضرط عمداً بالمصعد = لئيم

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Abul Abed says to Abu Stef behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Abu Stef replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Spinneys. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Abul Abed deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Spinneys. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity it will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Spinneys."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Abul Abed began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from Imel Abed and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Abul Abed hurries back to Spinneys, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Imel Abed is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Spinneys.

The Difference between Israel (lead by Ehud Olmart) Vs Gaza in Dec 2008 & Hezbollah (lead by Hassan Nasrallah) Vs Lebanon in May 2008 is that:

- Israel killed 1000 enemy in 18 days on an average of 55 Palestinians per day / Hezbollah killed 110 fellow countrymen in 2 days on an average of 55 Lebanese per day.
- Israel‘s purpose was to defend its people and land, Hezbollah’s purpose was to defend its arms and communication land line.
- Both fight on others land.
- Both exist due to religious reasons while both are illegal.
- Both are allies with Qatar, where they resolved their issues.
- Both are minorities on earth and hated by everyone else.
A wise man once said Hezbollah are the same as Israelis. I tell him today that he stands corrected they are even worse than that, for in July 2006 they even helped those Israelis and gave them a reason to kill more than 1000 & Injure more than 3000 Lebanese, Destroy more than 5000 house and building, and dispersed more than 8000 family and yet declared it a victory, But on whom till this day nobody knows! The worst of all is they are destroying Lebanese owned businesses where Lebanese employees work and try to feed their families thinking that in this way they are fighting Zionism, have you ever seen something more stupid!!

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