Lebanese President

When Sheikh Amine Jemayel was elected president we discovered that Lebanon could be ruled by anyone. When he left it for General Michel Aoun we discovered that Lebanon could be ruled by anyone, even a mentally retarded. When (ra7amaho Allah) Mr. Elias Heraweh was announced we knew that Lebanon could be ruled by anyone mentally or physically retarded. Finally we became 100% sure after 9 years of Lahoud’s posing as president, that Lebanon doesn’t need a president at all.

Truck for Sale

BEER CONTAINS FEMALE HORMONES

Last month, National University of London, England scientists released the results of a recent study that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough bee!!!urn into women.
To test this theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects?
1) Argued over nothing
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong
3) Gained weight
4) Talked excessively without making sense
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn’t drive
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating
No further testing was considered necessary!!!.

Shaker el Absi Vs Michel Aoun

- Shaker El Absi fought till the last minute, while Michel Aoun surrendered in the very beginning.
- Shaker El Absi made sure to check his wife and kids are safe before worrying about himself, while Michel Aoun ran away and left his family behind.
- Shaker El Absi tried to escape with all his fighters and died with them, while Michel Aoun escaped for himself, and left them fighting and dying alone.
All the above and Shaker El Absi is a terrorist, while Michel Aoun was the Prime Minister & Commander in Chief of the Lebanese Army!

Lebanese in Hell

The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said "I have to talk to you. We have some Lebanese up here in heaven that are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabanas instead of their white robes, their riding BMW's instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discount prices. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway eating sunflower and watermelon seeds and smoking arguileh. Some of them are walking around with just one wing!" The Lord said, "Lebanese are Lebanese. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the devil." The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Damn, hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "OK I'm back. What can I do for you?"Gabriel replied, "I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there."The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?" Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said, "Man I don't believe this.......Hold on."This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those damn Lebanese have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning!!!

Syrian Intelligence

القت المخابرات السورية القبض على مواطنين سوريين، (بعد إعلان نتائج الإنتخبات الرئاسية في سوريا، وبعد الفوز المفاجئ للرئيس بشار الاسد حفظه الله). وكما صرح المتحدث الرسمي للرئاسة فقد كانا يدبكان في احد الإحتفالات ولاكن ليس من قلبهم.

MAN WITHOUT AN EMAIL

A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test. "You are employed" he said. "Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start". The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email." "I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with $60.The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go every day earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US. He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chose aprotection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked himhis email. The man replied, "I don't have an email". The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"The man thought for a while and replied, “Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"Moral of the story: M1- Internet /email is not the solution to your life.M2- If you don't have internet / email, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.M3- If you received this message by email, you are probably already an office boy/girl, and not any close to being a Billionaire...
Have a great day!!!P.S - Do not forward this email back to me, I' m closing my email & going to sell tomatoes!!!

ZULULU HATTALMAOUT

GHOST CAR

جرت احداث هذه القصه في بلده صغيره قرب مدينة موسكو الروسية حتى ولو بدت احداث هذه القصه كقصص الخيال لكنها حقيقيه هذا رجل كان واقفا على جانب الطريق ينتظر ان توصله سياره عابرةفهو يريد الذهاب للبلده المجاوره في ليلة شديدة الظلام في وسط العاصفه الليل مر ببطء ولم تمر هذه السيارة عابره مرت ساعات وساعات وهو واقف كانت العاصفة شديده والليل حالك لم يكن يستطيع ان يرى مكان قدميه اخيرا وبعد طول أنتظار مرت سيارة تسير ببطء كانها شبح شبابيكها سوداء خرجت من خلف الظلام وبلا أضواء مرت ببطء متجهة اليه حتى توقفت أمامه ركب الرجل داخل السيارة واغلق الباب مبتسما فجأة شاهد مالم يتوقعه ابدا لا يوجد سائق لهذه السياره السيارة بدأت تتحرك ببطء مرة اخرى بدأ الرعب يدب في قلب الرجل وبدأت السياره تسرع قليلا اقتربت السياره من منعطف خطير جدا الرجل بدا يدعو ربه من اجل البقاء على قيد الحياة لا محالة السياره سوف تخرج عن الطريق وسوف يواجه الموت ! فجأه قبل المنعطف بقليل دخلت يد من النافذه وامسكت الدركسيون وقادت السياره عبر المنعطف بأمان اصبح الرجل فرحا مع بقاء الخوف والرهبه في داخل قلبه الرجل اصبح يرى اليد تدخل من النافذة مرات عدة كلما وصلوا إلى احد المنعطفات اخيرا قرر الرجل الهروب من السياره ففتح باب السيارة وقفز منها ولاذ بالفرار وذهب الى اقرب بلده وكان مبتلا وفزعا ذهب الى احد البارات وبدأ يخبر قصته المخيفه والمرعبه للجميع بعدما تأكدوا من هيئته انه غير سكران او ناقص العقل وكان الجميع ينصت للقصه في اثناء ذلك وبعد حوالي نصف ساعه دخل رجلان الى نفس البار وعندما شاهدوا الشخص المرعوب قال احدهما للاخر
مو هاد الاهبل يلي ركب بالسيارة ونحنا عم ندفشها

Vote Abul Meesh

A woman skiing in Faraya fell down on her butt and couldn’t stand up. For a couple of minutes people where passing by, but nobody helped or even bothered to ask if she was OK. Until Michelle Aoun was passing by so he stopped and helped her up and made sure that she was ok (Insen 3azeem Abul Meesh). She was so grateful and wanted to return the favor, so she asked him what she could do for him in return. He refused for a minute but she insisted, “well” said Aoun you could vote for me the coming elections? Well the woman paused for a second, looked at him with a surprised face, and said: Mr. Aoun “habibi inta” I only fell on my butt not on my head, good day!

Aouni Chicken

واحد عوني راح يشتري دجاجة
العوني: بدي شي دجاجة ع زوقك
ألبائع: بدك ياها قوات او عونية؟
العوني: اكيد عونية، ولو
بعد دقائق من التفتيش
ألبائع: هيدي دجاجة عونية يا إستاز
العوني: شكراًً، بس كيف عرفتا انا عونية؟
ألبائع: كلَون كانوا عم ياكلوا حبوب اللا هيدي كانت عم تاكل خرا

A Saudi being interviewed at the US Embassy for Visa....

COUNSEL: "Your name, please"?
SAUDI : "Salem".
COUNSEL: "Sex?"
SAUDI : "Always".
COUNSEL: "I mean male or female?"
SAUDI : "Both male & female and sometimes camels".
COUNSEL: "Holy cow!"
SAUDI : "Yes, cows too".
COUNSEL: "Sir, isn't that hostile?"
SAUDI : "Horse Style, dog style, any style!
COUNSEL: "Oh dear!"
SAUDI : "Deer!! No deer, they run fast."

HOW TO GET A JOB? THE LEBANESE WAY

Bill Gates decides to organize an enormous session of recruitment for a new chairman for Microsoft Europe. The 5000 candidates are all assembled in a large room. One of the candidates is Fadi Khoury, a Lebanese guy Bill Gates thanks all the candidates for coming and asks that all those who do not know JAVA program language rise and leave.2000 people rise and leave the room. Fadi Khoury says to himself - "I do not know this language but what have I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try".Bill Gates asks all the candidates that those who have never had experience of team management of more than 100 people rise and leave. 2000 people rise and leave the room. Fadi Khoury says to himself - "I have never managed anybody but myself but what have I got to lose if I stay?What can happen to me"? So he stays. Then Bill Gates asks all the candidates who do not have excellent management diplomas to rise and leave. 500 people rise and leave the room.Fadi Khoury says to himself - "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose if I stay? So he stays in the room.Lastly, Bill Gates asks all of the candidates who do not speak the Serbo-Croat language to rise and leave. 498 people rise and leave the room. Fadi Khoury says himself - "I do not speak Serbo-Croat but what the "Hell! - Have I got anything to lose?" So he stays in the room. He finds himself alone with one other candidate - everyone else has gone. Bill Gates joins them and says: "Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croatian, so I'd now like to hear you both have a little conversation in that language!Calmly Fadi turns to the other candidate and says to him: "Keifak ya eir"...The other candidate answers: "Kol khara ya manyouk……"

Bad Day!

If you’re having a bad day, just imagin this:
You’re a Siamese Twin.
Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay.
You’re not.
He has a date coming over tonight.
You only have one ass.

MISS POSITIONING

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little Girl stopped beside him on her shiny new bike.Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you " "Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you " "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.

قرد لم تعرفه الطبيعة

How does General Aoun commit suicide?

He jumps from the level of his ego to the level of his I.Q.

ABADAYAT IL TAYYAR

IN THE YEAR 2008

AND WE THOUGHT LAHOUD WAS STUPID

AOUN & TECHNOLOGY

THE ORANGE DISEASE

SAMIRA'S BROTHER

A car accident occurs in Hamra Street; each driver goes down and starts shouting and they start beating each others. Suddenly, one of the drivers stops and looks at the other and says: lahza, ana wein sheyfak??? enta ... enta mesh khayya la Samira el sharmouta??? So, the supposedly brother of Samira starts beating the other once again... They take him to the Hbeish... there the officer asks him what happened… While he was telling the story, the officer asks him: lahza, ana wein sheyfak??? enta ... enta mesh khayya la Samirael sharmouta??? So, the supposedly brother of Samira starts beating the officer. They take him to the Ministery of Justice; there, the Minister asks him what happened... while telling the story, Minister Looks at him and says: lahza, ana wein sheyfak??? enta ... enta mesh khayya la Samira el sharmouta??? So, the supposedly brother of Samira starts beating the Minister...
They take him to the Palace... There, he meets Lahhoud; while telling his story, Lahhoud interrupts him and says: lahza, ana wein sheyfak??? enta ... enta mesh khayya la Samirael sharmouta??? So, the supposedly brother of Samira starts beating the President... They take him to Syria... last chance for him There, Bashar meets him: "they told me you completely lost your mind and dared beating the Lebanese President..." The man starts again telling his story when Bashar looks at him and says: Lahza, ana sheyfak... enta ... enta... enta kent bil mouzahara maa 14 azar.... bel down town... enta men tayyar Lmostakbal?
The man answers: la sidna, la.... ana khayya la Samira el sharmouta......