Tuesday, January 10, 2012

رائحة الجنة



قصة حقيقية حصلت في أبوظبي
كان هناك محل لبيع وصياغة الذهب و المجوهرات وكان يديره رجل كبير السن يظهر عليه التطوع والتعلق بالدين وفي ليلة من الليالي دخل إليه رجل وكان معه خاتم مكسور فأعطاه للصائغ ليصلحه فأخذه منه الصائغ وبدت عليه علامات الذهول من شكل هذا الرجل فقد كان البياض عنوانه أبيض البشرة ، أبيض الشعر ، أبيض اللباس ، أبيض النعل ذو لحية طويلة وبيضاء
فقال له الصائغ : هل لك ياسيدي أن تستريح على هذا الكرسي حتى أنتهي من تصليح خاتمك.
فجلس الرجل دون أن ينطق بأي كلمة وخلال هذه اللحظة دخل رجل وزوجته إلى المحل وبدأوا يستعرضون المحل ومن ثم سألت الزوجة عن سعر عقد أعجبها.
فقال لها الصائغ : أعطني دقيقة ياسيدتي حتى أنتهي من خاتم هذا الرجل الجالس يمينك فذهل الزوجان من الصائغ وخرجا من المحل مسرعيين تعجب الصائغ من سبب رحيلهما بهذا الشكل وأكمل عمله فإذا برجل يدخل المحل وبيده إسوارة مكسورة.
فقال للصائغ : إني في عجلة من أمري وأريد تصليح هذه الإسوارة.
فقال الصائغ: حاضر ياسيدي ولكن دعني أنهي خاتم هذا الرجل يمينك وتلفت الرجل. يميناً وشمالاً ولم يجد أحد.
فقال: أجننت يارجل لا أحد هنا ، فخرج غاضباً فجن الصائغ من الموقف وبدأ يذكر الله ويقرأ المعوذات.
فقال له صاحب الخاتم لاتخف أيها الرجل المؤمن إنما أنا مرسل من عند ربك الرحيم لايراني إلا عباده الصالحين وقد أرسلت لأقبض روحك الطيبة إلى جنة النعيم فقد كنت قبل قليل بالجنة في بيتك المنير وقد شربت من ماء نهرك العذب وأكلت من بستانك العنب فطار عقل الصائغ فرحاً وبدأ يحمد الله وأكمل الرجل قائلاً : كما أني أحمل منديلا أخذته من بيتك بالجنة فأبشر برائحة الجنة، فأخرج المنديل من جيبه وقال أيها العبد الصالح شم رائحة الجنة فأخذ الصائغ المنديل فشمه شمة قوية ثم قال آآآآه إنها رائحة لا تخطر على بال البشر ثم أخذ شمة أخرى أقوى من الأولى..ثم قال : يالها من رائحة تذهب العقل يالها من رائحـ ثم أغمي عليه.
بعد فترة ليست بطويلة أستعاد الصائغ وعيه وإذا به يلتفت بكل الاتجاهات فوجد أن محله قد سرق بالكامل ولم يبق فيه أي شي فقد كانت الرائحة القوية بالمنديل لمادة مخدّرة وكان الرجل ذواللباس الابيض عضواً في عصابة ومعه أيضاً الزوجان والرجل ذو الاسوارة المكسورة.
العبرة:
القانون لا يحمي المغفّلين والمؤمنون اكثرهم؟؟

Saturday, January 07, 2012

Best Divorce Letter




Dear hubby,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever.. I’ve been a good woman to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk dress.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your games. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you are cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Wife
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Husband’s reply to his wife’s letter:Dear Ex-Wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my games so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a boy!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About that new silk dress: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY.



ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON. HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY" STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG.
THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED. MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.
IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL,
WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS.
HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS.GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY. "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
TRUE STORY.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

You are my witness

The lady of the house lost three of her panties at home and blamed her maid for the loss, right in front of her husband.
The maid completely denied the accusation and addressed the lady's husband, right in front of his wife, saying,
"Sir, you are my witness ... you know very well that I never ever wear panties!!!"

Friday, October 28, 2011

First things first!

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Friday, October 07, 2011

Lebanon Seven Wonders

Seven Wonders in Lebanon makes Jeita caves insignificant and makes you wonder.

1- A Parliament representatives, that should be representing the public and should have been elected by the same public and the public has no clue who they are or how they even look like.


2- A public security service that is not allowed to defend or secure the public, the same public that voted and paying the salary of the same “MP”s who nobody knows.


3- A very smart Minister, never even elected once by his public, jumping and proving himself between ministries, but very well known; who can make wonders happen through his wife’s ad agency without spending a penny.


4- An MP who can shift from one pole to the other during 24 hrs more than once, and end up gaining the same stupid public, the same public who elected him for his “Beliefs and Goals”!!


5- A Resistance that helps the enemy and kills the public, yes the same public.


6- A Murderer, who kills a “PM”, couple of “MP”s, an “M” and a couple of hundreds of “P”s, and yet has the choice whether to be on trial or not.


7- A University President who doesn’t know any foreign language, not French, not English not even Persian. I guess he can be easily a “Municipality President” or even a Minister as long as he masters the “YES” word.Well that’s what we call in Lebanon “Reform & Change”!!

Monday, October 03, 2011

How to get a free dig in Lebanon



An old Lebanese Forces gentleman lived alone in Mastita (Byblos). He wanted to plan this annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Jean Claude, who used to help him, was in Dubai. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Jean Claude, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Dad

A few days later he received a phone call from his son.
Jean Claude: “Dear dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried”. And the call got disconnected.

At 4 a.m. The next morning, the Lebanese Army, and acting upon a request from Gen. Michel Aoun, arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another call from his son.
Jean Claude: “Dear dad, go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances”.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Imad Mousa Jobs

كل يوم تبرز وظيفة جديدة لسلاح "حزب الله". سلاح كثير متنوع. بحبوحة سلاح. والمهام الملقاة على عاتق السلاح جمة. منها بحسب جردة الـ2011


حماية الخط الممانع والمقاوم في الشرق والغرب. / حماية الأمة والشرف والعرض والطول. / حماية العلامات الجودزية والمواقع الإستراتيجية. / حماية حقول النفط والغاز والكاز والتربنتين والنفتلين في مياه لبنان الإقليمية والدفاع عنها بالغالي والنفيس. / حماية مسيرة حقوق الإنسان التي بدأها النظام السوري قبل 40 عاماً ونيّف


حماية الخط الداعم لتحرير إدلب وحلب والبوكمال وحمص والرستن ودرعا. / حماية المجمعات السكنية. / حماية الخزانات البشرية وخزانات الفيول. / حماية القديسين المتهمين باغتيالات هزّت لبنان. / حماية بعض فروع الجامعة اللبنانية من صوت فيروز. / حماية الشاي من الكابوتشينو. / حماية السياحة والإصطياف والإقتصاد والسدود والإتصالات والمال والبيئة والإنماء المستدام. / حماية الحدود. / حماية السماء والهواء والماء. / حماية الجيش والشعب. / حماية نص الدرك. / حماية كل الأمن العام. / حماية الجمارك. / حماية الأبنية. / الخنادق. / حقول الزيتون. / المغاور. / حماية مفهوم الإستراتيجية الدفاعية المتفق عليه بين قادة الشرق الجديد: محمد رعد وطلال إرسلان وأسعد حردان وعاصم قانصو. / حماية أوراق التفاهم والعليق والتوت. / إستكمال تحرير مزارع شبعا وأحد شطري الغجر "على فضاوة". / دعم حماس في وجه عباس. / تقويض كيان إسرائيل في الثالثة بعد ظهر الثلاثاء المقبل. / مع إبقاء أحد الأصابع على الزناد. / حماية البرلمان من خفافيش 14 آذار. / تدعيم ركائز الدويلة بأسمنت الممانعة والدفاع عن المكتسبات والإنتصارات. / حماية الرغبة في الموت من نوازع الحياة المرفهة. / تخويف وليد جنبلاط بين الحين والفينة. / حماية ميقاتي من نفسه. / حماية المقاومة والتخويف بها. / حماية التظاهرات والشاشات والكلمات والكراسي والمجسمات. / إقفال محال بيع الخمور والزهور والعطور المنتشرة في مناطق الحكم الذاتي. / قصف المحكمة ذات الطابع الدولي. / قطع طريق المطار متى دعت الحاجة. / القضاء على ضفادع 14 آذار. / تأديب بعض وحدات اليونيفيل. / حماية النسبية وضرب وان مان وان فوت بصاروخ ساغر. / حماية الصور وأعمدة الكهرباء وكابلات الإتصالات. / حماية ظهر المقاومة وبطنها وأطرافها وألسنتها السامة. / حماية اللجان النيابية المشتركة. / حماية خيارات الرئيس نبيه بري الدستورية. / حماية قوى الممانعة المسيحية الوطنية التقدمية المنتشرة بين كفرحباب والرابية والبترون وفقرا. / توفير الحماية للعيادات النسائية في الضاحية الجنوبية والجنوب والبقاع ضد هجمات محتملة لكتائب دانيال بيلمارـ الخط الثوري. / حماية السلم الأهلي من "رائحة الأسن ونتانة الفتن" والمؤامرات الخارجية. / حماية المجانين الجدد خصوم المحافظين الجدد


ومؤخراً، جديد جديد جديد. سلاح المقاومة يحمي العيش المشترك ممن؟


ويحمي المؤسسات في لبنان. من مصالح المياه والدوائر العقارية إلى المجلس الدستوري ومجلس الإنماء والإعمار إلى مؤسسات الإئتمان إلى مجالس الإدارات الرسمية إلى القصور الرئاسية. حماية. حراسة. تدشيم.وغداً، قد يجد السلاح وظيفة جديدة فيتطوع لحماية الشركات والشركة ويحمي المحبة

Friday, September 16, 2011

NO SEX TONIGHT!


I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled

WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

The Three Stooges


The first fell down in 2005 at the door of the plane on the ground of “Rafik Hariri Int'lAirport”, the second fell down in 2006 at the Lebanese – “Israeli” border and the last is falling down, falling down, falling down, Syria’s ass is falling down, falling down, falling down, my fair idiot!!

Thursday, September 08, 2011

Can you read this?

If you can read this you have a strong mind:


7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PR0UD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15. R3-P057 1F U C4N R35D 7H15

Friday, August 05, 2011

The Aouni Fan

A Marada fan, a Hizbullah fan, & a Aouni fan are climbing a mountain & arguing about who loves their party the most. The Marada fan insists that he is the most loyal. ''This is for Sleimen Beik!'' he yells & jumps off the mountain. Not to be outdone the Hizibullah fan is next to profess his love for his master. He yells "This is for Sayid Hassan!" & pushes the Aouni fan off the mountain.

Thursday, August 04, 2011

Ramadan Movies list

1. The Passion of the Mtawwa3
2. I Know What You Ate Last Ramadan
3. Charlie & The Ashta Factory
4. Save The Last Samboosa
5. The Curious Case of the Unfolded Samboosa
6. So7oor at Tiffany's ;)
7. The Got-Fatter
8. Indiana Jones and The Raiders of The Lost Fattoush
9. Transformers: The Dark Side of the Hilal
10. Iftar for Shmucks
11. Saved by the 2athaan
12. How to be a sheikh in 30 Days
13. No Drinks Attached
14. The Devil Wears Jalabiya
15. Fast Another Day
16. Confessions of a Teenage Kaffer
17. Gone With the Medfa3
18. Did He 2athen Yet?
19. Fasting & Furious
20. Inglourious Fasters
21. 27 3abayas
22. Halal War: Return of the Goat
23. Get Full or Die Trying
24. Honey, I Shrunk The 3adas
25. Dude, Where's my Food?
26. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Red Jellab

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Irony

Define Irony:
Someone trying to secure a field of Gas 1000 m below sea level; couldn’t secure a domestic 12L Gas container 50m above sea level.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

China to Taiwan

‎1-Open Google Maps (maps.google.com) >> Get Directions
2-Write CHINA as itinerary starting point
3-Write TAIWAN as destination
4-Read step 48
5-When you stop laughing rate, comment and forward to a friend, rss, or post to your profile

Friday, July 01, 2011

If the world were 100 people

- 50 would be female / 50 would be male
- 20 would be children / there would be 80 adults, 14 of whom would be 65 and older
- There would be: 61 Asians / 12 Europeans / 13 Africans / 14 people from the Western Hemisphere
- There would be: 31 Christians / 19 Muslims / 14 Hindus / 6 Buddhists / 12 people who practice other religions / 18 Atheists (People who used their brains)
- 17 would speak a Chinese dialect / 8 would speak Hindustani / 8 would speak English / 7 would speak Spanish / 4 would speak Arabic / 4 would speak Russian / 52 would speak other languages / 82 would be able to read and write; 18 would not
- 1 would have a college education
- 1 would own a computer
- 75 people would have some supply of food &a place to shelter them from the wind & the rain, but 25 would not
- 1 would be dying of starvation
- 17 would be undernourished
- 15 would be overweight
- 83 would have access to safe drinking water
- 17 people would have no clean, safe water to drink