A LETTER WRITTEN BY A JUNKIE TO ZAVEN

(THE FAMOUS TALK SHOW 'SIRI WIN FATAHETT')
Dear Zaven,
I am a crack dealer in Basta who has recently been diagnosed as carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in the suburb of Beirut (al-Dahiyeh) and one of my sisters, who live in Jounieh, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana in their small garden and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are prostitutes in Maameltein.I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Roumieh for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Trablos Jail on charges of neglecting his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Jiyeh and, indeed, is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel.
My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my uncle who voted for Michel Aoun?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

IRAN = ?

TAYYAR EDUCATION SYSTEM

TEEZ MEEN?

Wain kint?, w ma3 meen kint?, w shu kint lebis?

THE TROIKA

What’s common between the three?

- All were born poor.
- All lived in a bad environment.
- All are totalitarians.
- All look stupid in the half mustache.
- All made wars and are willing to make wars without asking the others.
- All are willing to eliminate the other.
- All are willing to sell there mothers for a chair.
- All have psychic history.
- And soon both will end the same way Hitler did.

Where will al-tayyar al-Aouni be in 2007?

Guess and win a place for two in the tayyar.
Here is the information you could use to solve the riddle.

Fall 1988: Aoun is an ally with his Christian brothers The Lebanese forces (Al-Tahalof Al-Masihi)
Spring 1989: Aoun is killing his Christian brothers The Lebanese Forces (Harb al ilghae)
March 1989: Aoun is killing his enemies The Syrians (Harb el Tahrir)
Oct 1990: Aoun is kicked by Salim el Hoss, and Syrians out of Lebanon (Al Tat-heer)
1991 – 2005: Aoun against Syrian existence in Lebanon, any other arms than the Lebanese arms, against Hizbullah & al Mukawama al Islamiah, against Emile Lahhoud, Omar Karameh, and nabih birri, against all Syrian alliances (Talal Arislan, Michelle el-Murr, & Sleiman Frangieh), allies with Saddam Husein, Clinton, Bush, 14th of March and 1559.
February 2006: Aoun is against 1559, 14th of March and the USA, Allies with Syria, Syrian alliances (Talal Arislan, Michelle al-Murr, Sleiman Frangieh, Omar Karameh, Hizbullah [Madhoush bi tizon] & Salim el Hoss) with Al Mukawama arms, and any one who can put him in Baabda at least one day before he dies so he can get back the money he stole from the Lebanese government and stashed in the palace but since he ran out with only his blue strips pajamas on and it didn’t have any pockets he couldn’t take any of it.

n.b.: Iza kiss immak alleb, ma rah tekol jalleb ya General, khidlak rakzeh abel ma tmout ya 3akrout.

HASSAN NASRALLAH HONORING

Due to his Patriotism and Nobility, the Lebanese Government will honor Mr. Hassan Nasrallah by dedicating a Lebanese bridge and river after his name: Naher El-Kalb and Jisr El-Wati.

YA MAHASIN IL SODAF

A MIRACLE IN DOWNTOWN

A miracle happened yesterday Dec. 5, 2006 at 12:36 P.M. in Downtown Riad el-Solh square when according to witnesses, the statue of Sheikh Riad El-Solh first Prime Minister of Lebanon (1943–1945), turned his back to the square and raised his hand over his face in disgust, covering his mouth and closing his nose.
Later the same day a man was caught trying to throw a perfume bomb on the protestors.

RIAD EL-SOLH ZOO

LEBANON INVOICE

EL TALEM IL A3WAG MIN EL TAWR LIKBEER

Baby Condom

A Doctor's Phone Rang at home at Three o'clock in the morning, Sleepily he answered "Hello?" A very frantic woman said, "Doctor, our baby just swallowed a condom." The Doctor said, "I am coming and will see what I can do." He started putting on his clothes and was just getting ready to walk out the door, when the phone rang again. He answered "Hello?" A very calm voice on the other end of the line said, "That's alright Doctor, we found another one, never mind."

YOU'RE ALL THE SAME

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here." The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

5 MILLION $ PICTURE

لبنانيا مسيحيا هدم منزله بسبب القصف الاسرائيلي ولم يجد من اغراض بيته الا صورة «المسيح مصلوبا» وقد تحطم اطارها، فأخذها وذهب إلى «سعد الحريري» قائلا.. «يا استاذ، ما فضل من بيتي الا صورة سيدنا.. هيدا»، فأعطاه «الحريري» مائة الف دولار ليرمم بيته! سمع جاره اللبناني الشيعي - بالحكاية، فأخذ صورة السيد «حسن نصرالله» وذهب بها إلى «الحريري» قائلا.. «يا استاذ.. ما فضل من بيتي إلا صورة.. سيدنا»، فأعطاه الحريري.. عشرة آلاف دولار فقط، فاستغرب الرجل وقال.. «بس انت عطيت جاري المسيحي مائة الف دولار»، فرد عليه «سعد» قائلا.. «ايوه، كلامك مزبوط، بس هو جابلي صورة السيد.. تبعه وهو.. مصلوب»!! روح جيب صورة سيدك مصلوب وأنا أعطيك خمسة ملايين دولار !!!!!....

HARIT KILL MEEN IDO ILO

JEW BLOOD

An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally, a Jew was located who had similar type of the blood who willingly donated his blood to the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank you card for giving his blood along with an expensive piece of diamond and a new Rolls Royce car as a token of his appreciation. Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again. His doctors telephoned the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank you card and a jar of Almond Roca sweets. The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate much the Jew's kind gesture as he has done previously. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not so generous manner. The Arab replied "Ya habibi, I have Jewish blood now, remember..!?"

10 Reasons why Lebanese cannot hijack a plane

1. We are always late; we would have missed all the flights.
2. The pretty girls on the plane would distract us.
3. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves.
4. With food and drinks on the plane, we would forget why we're there.
5. We talk with our hands; therefore we would have to put our weapons down.
6. We would ALL want to fly the plane.
7. We would argue and start a fight in the plane.
8. We can't keep a secret; we would have told everyone a week before doing it.
9. We would all have fallen over each other to be in the photograph being taken by one of the hostages.
10. We would have put our country's flag on the windshield.

Dear John,

Dear Mr. his Excellency General Michel Aoun, i heard you are searching for a place for your next supporters gathering, and you want the size of the place to be enough for your crowd. Well Mr. his Excellency General Michel Aoun, my bathroom is under your command, be free to use it at any time, you will be more than welcome specially that we added a new latrine lately. Your alliances will love the place.

WE WILL ARRIVE

TO GENERAL AOUN

1. We supported you when you launched your military campaigns2. We defended you when you were in exile3. We hailed you during our Cedar Revolution4. We cheered you the day of your return5. We voted for you in the parliamentary elections
We find out now that:
1. You learned nothing from your mistakes2. You allied yourself with the worst rogue politicians3. You played politics as lousily as you lead your troops on the battlefield4. You belittled our Cedar Revolution's dreams and aspirations5. You diverted our support to serve your personal ambitions
Your actions, willingly or unwillingly:
1. Left the insolent Emile Lahoud in Baabda2. Emboldened Hizbollah in his catastrophic agenda3. Insulted the memory of Rafik, Samir, Gibran and all the independence martyrs4. Reinforced Syria's bullying on Lebanon
Because our deception is as high as the hopes we had placed in you,Because, as for all politicians, you must be held accountable to the people and to your electorate,Because we still have a small hope that you will see this as a warning and will change course,
We wish to cry out loud to our fellow citizens and to the world:
PLEASE FORGIVE ME, I VOTED FOR AOUN

WISE ROBOT

A man walks into a pub and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him:
"What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and the Kama Sutra.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool".
He decides to test the robot.
He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him:
"What's your IQ?" The man responds, "About a 100". Immediately the robot starts talking about Basket ball, supermodels, shooting, beer and women's breasts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns.
The robot asks: "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think".
The robot serves him orange juice and says... REAL slowly:
"So............... You're gonna vote for Michel Aoun again?"

ABSOLUT DESTRUCTION

New Aoun ID

يوم أطلّ عون مزهوّاً

المستقبل - الثلاثاء 5 أيلول 2006 - العدد 2377 -

يطل النائب ميشال عون على اللبنانيين مطالباً بالتحقيق مع وزير الداخلية بالوكالة أحمد فتفت بالاستناد الى مسؤوليته عن ثكنة مرجعيون التي أخلتها القوة الأمنية المشتركة بعد احتلالها من جيش العدو الإسرائيلي.إلا أن اللافت للاهتمام ظهور العماد ميشال عون الثائر غضباً على الوزير فتفت والقوة الأمنية في مرجعيون، عام 1982، وبعد حوالي أربعة أشهر من المآسي والمجازر التي ألحقها الحصار الإسرائيلي في بيروت، مزهواً بالمصافحة الحميمة بين ممثل عن قيادة الجيش وبين قائد وحدات الاحتلال الإسرائيلي التي أشرفت على حصار بيروت كجزء من اجتياح لبنان وقتل أبنائه قصفاً وغارات وقنصاً وتجويعاً.وقد ظهر في الصورة التي خلّدها كتاب "حمائم الحرب" للزميل ستافرو جبرا، اللواء عصام أبو جمرا الذي رشحه العماد عون، أخيراً لتسلم حقيبة وزارة العدل.وفي هجومه على الوزير فتفت قال عون بصوت عالٍ على شاشة "اي.ان.بي" إن التحقيق في قضية ثكنة مرجعيون لا يموت بانقضاء عشر سنوات وهو يقع في خانة الجنايات.وفي حيثيات الصورة التي تنشرها "المستقبل" يرتسم سؤال عما إذا كان حبور العماد عون يمحو معانيه الوطنية مرور الزمن على الحدث.. وعلى الذاكرة الوطنية.

DIVORCE CASE

A man and his wife were in the court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumping up and down said: Your Honor'. I brought the child into the world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody.The judge turns to the husband and says ' What do you have to say in your defense? The man sat for a while contemplating... then slowly rose. 'You’re Honor'. If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out... whose Pepsi is it ... the machines or mine??????

NO POLITICS

Abu El Abed went once to a hairdresser for a haircut. Abu El Abed tried to start a conversation with the people while waiting.
Abu El Abed: "Did you hear what Joumblatt said today?"
Barber: "Allah Ykhallik, ma badna seeyasee bi hal mahal".
After a few minutes
Abu El Abed: "Do you know how the dollar is doing today?"
Barber: "Allah Ykhallik, ma badna haki al dollar wel lira bi hal mahal"
few minutes later
Abu El Abed: "Tayyeb feena nehke Sex?"
Barber: Sure Abu El Abed: "eh ayre feek wou bi hal mahal."

GENIE IN A BOTTLE

A couple decides to go golfing at the best golf course in their state. While playing, the husband tells his wife to be very careful, as there were many houses along the golf course. But the wife swings her club and the ball smashes through one of the glasses of the biggest house on the course. So the husband and wife decided to go and apologize to the owner of the house. When they reached the house they found a glass bottle lying on the floor broken into hundreds of pieces. They found an old man sitting in his rocking chair and greeted the couple inside. He said, "I am a genie and I would like to thank you for breaking me free from this bottle. I would like to grant you 2 wishes, but the 3rd wish is mine." So the husband says "I want a private aircraft for myself." The wife said she would like a house in every single country. The genie says for the past 200 years he has never had sex and would like to make love to the lady. So they both agree and the genie takes the lady up and begins having sex. Then he asks the lady "How old is your husband?" She replies "47." "And he still believes in genies?"

THE AXE EFFECT

Al-WA3ED AL-KAZEB

ANSWERS NEEDED???

According to Hizbullah What is:

Al Karameh:

Al Naser:

DAHIEH TODAY

ISRAELI CHECKLIST

AL-WA3ED AL-SADEK

Now in a theater near you
ALWA3ED AL SADEK

-A film by Bashar Asad
-Directed by Hassan Nasrallah
-Produced by Iran Films

Synopsis:

Hezbollah decides to free three hostages from Israel, they fuck a whole country’s economy, destroys it’s infra structure and kills in it’s first day more than 45 innocent Lebanese and still counting, who I guess are less important than Samir Al-Kontar who’s mother is happy now.

So Mr. Samir and his friends beware that when you come back home if you were stupid enough to do (ma mitit ma shifit meen mat) there will be at least 45 dead man on your conscience.

SIB7AN ILLI BI GHAYIR MA BYITGHAYAR

TAXI DRIVER

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: "Look mate,don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me! The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a mortuary van for the last 25 years."

AIRBAGS

For Sale

LUCKY BEGGAR

A husband comes back home to find a beggar in his bed screwing his wife. The man asks his wife what the hell is happening, the wife answers “the poor man came asking if there is something you are not using I can give him”.

THE AOUN FAMILY ISSUES

Both Micheal & Cris thinks that they:

- Have 90% of the audience, but they are nominees.
- Are the best, but want to be on top by force.
- Are smart enough to do things and think that no body noticed.
- Are so innocent, yet every body is jealous and hates them.

LEBANESE MOTHER-IN-LAW

Lebanese Mom Mrs Abdallah comes to visit her son Samir for 3 days in London where he is studying. She finds out that her son lives with Vikki, a girl roommate. Mrs Abdallah couldn't help but notice how pretty Samir's roommate was. She suspects of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Reading his mom's thoughts, Samir volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates." About a week later, Vikki came to Samir saying,” Ever since your mother left, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you left back to Beirut. Love, Samir Several days later, Samir received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mom. Lesson of the day... Don't Lie to Your Mother...especially if she is Lebanese.

VASLINE

A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. The fugitive orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, takes the woman and ties her to the bed. In the middle of it, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you". To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too.

HOW DOES JUMBLAT'S DOG BARK?

3aw, mish 3aw, mbala 3aw.....

A POSTMAN RETIREMENT

After 35 years of work in postal services, the postman is preparing for retirement and he is working his last day as a postman. One family gave him a pen as a gift, another one gave him a key tab, and when he rings at the third door, the door opens and a glamorous blonde appears, holds him by his hand, and takes him to the bedroom where they spent two hours in the craziest sex. After the shower she feeds him breakfast (eggs withham and orange juice) and gives him $5. During the meal, he was delirious and asks: "Can you explain all of this to me?!?" The Blonde says: "Yesterday, I told my husband that our postman is going to retire and we need to offer him something, and he replies: 'Fuck him ... give him 5 dollars!’ the breakfast though was my idea!!!"

Asad's Rocket

President Bashar el Asad of Syria at his weekly cabinet meeting, informed his ministers that President Ahmadi Najad of Iran built a Space Shuttle and would travel to Mars in the coming months. President Asad then declared that he wanted to build a Rocket and would travel to the Sun. In fear, Asad's ministers replied, "But President, how can we travel to the Sun when it is so hot? We will melt from the heat". "You fools!" shouted Asad. "Of course we will melt. Don't you think I know that? We will build the rocket and travel to the Sun at night!"

A GENERAL'S ILLUSION!!

90% Ha!! Let us see…
There are 4,000,000 Lebanese in Lebanon, 35% (1,400,000) of which are under 18, whom even if they changed the law are not allowed to vote, leaving us with 2,600,000 Lebanese, 2% (50,000) of which are in Jails, Hospitals, or can’t leave their homes. Leaving us with 2,550,000 Lebanese, 15% (400,000) of which are in the Army and Police who can’t vote either, leaving us with 2,150,000. 1,000,000 of which were in 14 of January Demonstration, Leaving us with 1,150,000 Lebanese, 5% (60,000) of which couldn’t come that day, Leaving Mr. President with 1,090,000 Lebanese, 890,000 of which are under Nasralla’s Spell, and 300,000 = 90% “on Mars maybe” who just love the orange color.

Lie Detector

A Homsi, a Russian, and an Italian go to the machine that beeps every time you tell a lie.

First out is the Russian: "I think I'm beautiful!" BEEP!
Then goes the Italian: "I think I'm smart!" BEEP!
Finally it's time for the Homsi: "I think..." BEEEEEEEEEEEP!

NICE HAIRDRESSER

There is this good old barber in some city in the US. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.” The florist happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.” The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber goes to open his shop; there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door. A Lebanese software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.” The Lebanese software engineer is happy and leaves. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there? Can you guess? Do you know the answer yet? Come on, think like a Lebanese…..!!!!!!!
A dozen Lebanese waiting for a free haircut!!!!

KHALES LA ALLAH

THE COLOR NOT THE MAN!

THE LATEST SCAM

I was a victim of the latest scam which is currently happening in shopping mall parking lots.

Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking, one starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse. While you're distracted, the other one gets into the backseat and then they both start begging you for a ride home.

Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants.
This is when they steal your wallet.

I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, but I couldn't find them on Saturday or Sunday.

THE RECRUIT

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair...Kill Her!!” The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
MORAL:Women are evil.Don't mess with them

The Pharmacist!!

A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist: "Hello, could you give me condom. My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!" The pharmacist gives him the condom; and as the young man is going out, he returns and tells him: "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too." The pharmacist gives him a second condom; and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says: After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes allusions... and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting something from me!!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mom facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying:
"Dear Lord, bless this dinner... thank you for all you give us...!”
A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your kindness..."
Ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than the others. She gets close to the boy and tells him in his ear: "I didn't know you were so religious!!!"
The boy replies:"I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!!!"

Recycled Condoms

In some hotel in Beirut, a Lebanese was eating his breakfast calmly: coffee, croissant, baguette, butter and jam. A Syrian tourist with a big chewing gum sat on the table in front of him.
While the Lebanese ignored him, the Syrian started a conversation:
Syrian: you Lebanese, you eat all your bread?
Lebanese (in bad humor): yes.
Syrian (after making a big balloon with his chewing gum): we in Syria, we eat only the interior, & we put the outer part in containers, we recycle them to croissants and we sell them to Lebanese.
The Syrian was smiling all over his face, while the Lebanese listened silently.
The Syrian persists: and you eat your jam with the bread?
Lebanese: yes.
The Syrian (another big balloon noise): we in Syria, we eat fresh fruits at breakfast, and we put the peels and the seeds in containers, we recycle them to jam and we sell them to Lebanese.
At that moment the Lebanese asked: do you make love in Syria?
Syrian (with a big smile): yeah sure, and a lot too.
Lebanese: and what do you do with the condoms?
Syrian: well, we throw them like everybody else in the world.
Lebanese: well, not us. Once we finish using our condoms, we put them in containers, we recycle them to chewing gums and we sell them to Syrians.

Two Penisis!

Two Syrian tourists came to Faraya-Lebanon during winter, hired a ski instructor and learned how to ski.
The following year they decided that they enjoyed their vacation so much, they had to repeat it.
Being Syrians, they forgot everything they learned.
So they decided to hire the same instructor.
They started asking in Faraya who knows their instructor.
This was the conversation:
Faraya: what is his name?
2 Syrians: we can't remember.
Faraya: can u describe him?
2 Syrians: He wears ski cloth.
Faraya: but all ski instructors do that!
2 Syrians: He wears sun goggles.
Faraya: but all ski instructors do that!
2 Syrians: He has a sun tan.
Faraya: but all ski instructors have it due to the reflection of sun on ice!
The smarter Syrians: Oh I got it! He has 2 penises.
Faraya: How is this possible! Have u actually seen that?
The smarter Syrians: No, but every time we were with him, people kept asking him: KIF HAL AYRAIN MA3AK?

HOMSI IN BEIRUT

A Homsi visited Beirut and booked a room in the hotel. The hotel employee carried the bags and asked to take him to the room. Once the door is opened, the Homsi stopped, shook his head and said to the employee: "Listen its true that I'm a stranger to this country but this doesn't mean that you fool me and laugh at me, I've paid over $100 for renting a nice room. This room is too small, has no window, no bathroom and it also contains no bed...!The hotel employee politely said:"I'm sorry sir. This is not your room, this is the elevator...!!!!

LEBANES-O

A jet-set Lebanese gentleman parked his brand-new BMW in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The Lebanese immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed the police, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the Lebanese started screaming hysterically as some of his office colleagues reached the scene too. His BMW, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the Lebanese finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the policeman shook his head in disgust and disbelief... "I can't believe how materialistic you Lebanese are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the Lebanese. The policeman replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "Oh My God!" screamed the Lebanese. "Where's my Rolex?"

Emilio & Misho

Samahat Alsayyed Michel Aoun

A DAY OFF

So you want the day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for .......................................
There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available, You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave . This leaves you only 20 days available for work . We are off for 5 holidays per year , so your available working time is down to 15 days . We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves you only 1 D A Y available for work and I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off ...

U might face the same situation!!!

Why men are better friends than Friendship between Women:

Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Four Little Animals

(You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make!) A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want Out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says". The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

HOW TO IMPRESS!!

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN!!
Wine her, * Dine her, * Call her, * Hug her, * Support her, * Hold her, * Surprise her,
Compliment her, * Smile at her, * Listen to her, * Laugh with her, * Cry with her, * Romance her, * Encourage her, * Believe in her, * Pray with her, * Pray for her, * Cuddle with her, * Shop with her, * Give her jewelry, * Buy her flowers, * Hold her hand, * Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN!!
Show up naked ... * Bring food ... * don’t block the TV

Who's Doing the Dishes ??

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in." When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"

Syrian vs. Lebanese

Once a Lebanese guy goes into a bar, and asks the bartender who was Syrian: "hey asshole, give me a beer" The Syrian guy goes... why are you being rude and racist man? Do you accept being in my place and people calling you names?
The Lebanese says: "I don't care". So the Syrian guy says "fine let’s switch places". So the Lebanese guy now goes behind the bar as a bartender. The Syrian guy now asks the Lebanese "Lak 7iwan, give me a beer" the Lebanese guy goes: "sorry, we don't' serve Assholes”!!!

Homsi Strategy

Two Men from Homos (Syria) were strolling along the main shopping street of Hamra in Beirut when they see a sign:
-Suits: LL 5,000 each-Shirts: LL 2,000 each-Trousers: LL 2,500 per pairOne says to his pal. "Hey, Look! These Lebanese must be stupid. We could buy a whole load of those, and when we get back to Homos, we could make us a fortune! "Now listen up. When we go into the shop you keep your mouth shut, eh! "Just let me do all the talking, because if they hear our accent, they might try to rip us off. I'll be given them my best Lebanese accent." They went in and the guy says, "Excuse me sir, I'll take 50 of your fine suits at LL 5 000 each, 100 shirts at LL 2 000 each, and 50 pair of trousers at LL 2 500 each. And I'll be taking those items with me today, if you don't mind." The owner of the shop interrupts, "You guys are from Homos, aren't you?"
"Yes" says the Homsi, "how come you know?" The owner says, "Because this is a dry-cleaner HABIB ALBI

New Syrian Amendment

قرر الرئيس السوري بشار الاسد منع الاستحمام بالشامبو واستعمال الصابون فقط

وعند سؤاله عن سبب هذا القرار اجاب :

"لان الشامبو بيخلي الشعر يصير حريري ومليس"

Lahhoud Kidnapped

A man is caught in traffic when suddenly someone taps on the window. He lowers the window and asks what he wanted. The man says, President Emile Lahhoud was kidnapped and the ransom is $5 Million dollars, and that if the ransom is not paid, the kidnappers have threatened to douse him with gasoline and set him on fire! "We are doing a collection, do you wish to participate?" The man asks "on the average what are people giving?" The man says "5 to 10 liters!"